If your birthday is this week: Your blog will cause the Internet to jump the shark this week. Thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, asshole.

Aries: Your idea to drink photocopy toner to get high works, but it freaks out everyone at the Staples.

Taurus: Your baby will fall out of the “ugly tree” and hit every branch on the way down. That’s what you get for not having your baby in a hospital, hippie.

Gemini: Your neighbor reacts badly when you TP his tree on Mischief Night. Maybe you should use unused toilet paper for pranks.

Lemini: The stars say, when you go back to prison do right this time. Pick the weakest guy and beat the crap out of him, but this time don’t pick your lawyer.

Cancer: Aw, man! Gross! You shit yourself this week, so then you look and it’s so disgusting, your throw up on your pants too! Aw! So wrong! That’ll teach you to eat at Arby’s.

Virgo: This week you’ll get some much needed pity sex. It was inevitable. Your sister has felt sorry for you for years.

Libra: The robot you build achieve sentience and sues you for sexual harassment. What the Hell were you doing up in that lab?

Scorpio: You get some sound medical advice from a friend. Don’t dismiss it just because he’s wearing a ballgag, leather chaps and penetrating you with a dildo. He’s probably a doctor.

Sagittarius: This week you find a ballgag in your doctor’s medical bag. Hey, everyone needs a hobby.

Capricorn: Satan finally answers your prayers, but he’s a little confused as to why you sold your soul just so you could own a gas station.

Aquarius: Your work for the DNC goes unappreciated and your “Guns for Votes” program is a complete failure.

Pisces: The dust bunnies in your apartment unionize, which is a win-win because you live in filth anyway.