If your birthday is this week: The stars say, your Tea Party friends are not who they say they are. This will dawn on your when they start fitting you for ass-less chaps.

Aries: This week you’ll volunteer to drive from the wine tasting party. Despite your drunkenness, you’ll stop the car safely in a neighbor’s swimming pool.

Taurus: Stay out of the pool this week.

Gemini: Stay out of your neighbor’s pool if he’s a Taurus.

Lemini: If you’re neighbor is a Taurus, go swimming and while you’re at it, the stars say shut up about the Glenn Beck rally. Stephen Colbert’s will be way more awesome anyway.

Cancer: Your plan to have sex while playing videogames does not go as planned and is a disappointment to your girlfriend. It’s an even bigger disappointment to you when you realize you’ve left your headset plugged and everyone on Xbox Live heard the whole thing.

Leo: This week, you’ll throw out all your pornography to get a fresh new start. This time, you’ll be able to alphabetize your porn like you’ve always wanted.

Virgo: This week, you’ll find out that the only reason you girlfriend is with you, is because she thinks you have money. The good news is, she thinks $20 is a lot.

Libra: The stars say that the cereal in your cabinet may be going bad. The roaches will no longer nest in the box you keep it in.

Scorpio: Your second girlfriend will find out you’re cheating on her with a third girlfriend. Better postpone cheat on numbers five and six until things cool out.

Sagittarius: They say that money comes to those who wait. Sadly, you need crack now and your drug dealer’s dick isn’t going to suck itself.

Capricorn: The stars say your girlfriend will leave you this week, but don’t worry. A Sagittarius customer is going to make up the slack for a few weeks.

Aquarius: You will go to an awesome concert, but half way through you’ll get booed by the band. Stop wearing Ed Hardy shirts you douche.

Pisces: Your plan to rent everything at Blockbuster the day before they go out of business hits a snag. All their movies are shit.