If your birthday is this week: The stars say money matters are finally going your way, but I guess the stars didn’t see your Amex bill this month, did they? Maybe you should pay more than just the minimum balance.

Aries: Don’t shoot yourself in the living room, your surviving relatives would like those curtains behind you and they’ll never clean your brains out of them.

Taurus: Your pizza coupon will expire this week. Better order the wings.

Gemini: You’ve accomplished a lot this week, Gemini. Not everyone can puke in every room of a frat house in one party.

Lemini: Summer school will be very beneficial to you. By the end of it, you’ll clearly know the classes you’ll need to retake for the third time.

Cancer: You will not pass Go, you will not collect $200.

Leo: Your idea for making a sandwich out of sticks of butter and fried eggs will be stolen by McDonald’s.

Virgo: The stars say don’t throw batteries straight into the trash. Save them for the ballpark the next time the Detroit Tigers are in town.

Libra: Your affair with your boss’s girlfriend doesn’t end well. Turns out, he likes to date really hot transvestites.

Scorpio: Your relationship is based strictly on sex. Maybe it’s time you give your hand a rest and actually get a girlfriend.

Sagittarius: You’re feeling assertive and confident this week, but the stars say it’s only temporary until the cocaine wears off.

Capricorn: George Clooney will bump your car in a parking lot this week. He won’t leave a note, but you’ll know.

Aquarius: This week, you’ll learn an important lesson about drugs. You shouldn’t hide them inside your catalytic converter.

Pisces: You’ll order your food medium rare, but it will be well done. Turns out, it’s much better to eat pork that way.