Ask Señor Cactus!TM

translated by Mr. Shit, transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo


And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Worried in PA:

Señor Cactus:

My boyfriend said he thinks he’s more attractive than me, should I be worried?

Dori, 20, PSU

Dear “Pat”:

Cactus, say, dat depend on what yer boyfriend look like.  If he look like da pretty boys from da 80’s band Poison, you probably okay looking. But if he look like a guy, ya should probably get yer upper lip waxed again.

Regifter in Raleigh:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I’m completely out of money and it’s my girlfriend’s birthday this week.  I was cleaning some stuff out of a closet, I came across a necklace I had bought for a previous girlfriend.  We had broken up and she gave it back to me.  I had intended on selling it on ebay, but never got around to it.  You think it would be wrong to give it to my new girlfriend?

T.M. in NC

Dear Future Liar:

Cactus say, if you’re going ta lie to yer girlfriend, be good at it!  Dis is yer opportunity ta practice, mon!  She’ll be so happy ta get a gift, she’ll never know!  And if she ever meet yer ex, she’ll assume she some jealous bitch!  It’s perfect, mon!  Don’t let this perfect lie go to waste!  Start da lies in your relationship right!

Thieving R.A.:

Señor Cactus:

I’m the RA in a dorm, so I stayed on the floor a few extra days before Christmas break.  After everyone was gone, I broke into their rooms and stole one item.  My idea was to gift wrap them all and give them back as gifts when they got back from break.  I had them gift wrapped and in a storage closet that I thought I locked. When I got back from break, two of the guys on the floor discovered the gifts and handed them out randomly to everyone on the floor.  None of these dumbasses have figured out what actually happened and most got the wrong “gift” back.  A few have complained about the “missing” items.  What would you advise?  Should I come clean?

B. 22, Location Withheld

Dear Retarded Prankster:

Cactus say, fuck no!  You gotta do it again to see how many times you can switch stuff from these morons’ room until they start ta catch on!  And each time ya steal sometin’ make sure its more and more personal.  Cactus got five dollars says ya can’t do it more than three times before dey figure it out.

Johnny Appleseed:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I banged this girl in her room while her roommate was out and she insisted that I take the used condom with me and “dispose of it”. I wrapped it in some tissues and stuck it in my jacket pocket. Half way back to my room, some friends pull up in a car and ask me to go with them to a bar. I hop in and now I’m really regretting not dropping the condoms in the nearest trash can. We get to the bar and I figure I can go into the bathroom, but it’s full and I can’t find a trash can anywhere. I take my jacket off and grab the tissues and slip outside a side door. I find a trash can and dump the tissues. When I get back, I discover to my horror that the condom had fall out and ended up in the middle of the floor. It was discovered by a hysterical waitress and the owner called the police. Fortunately, no one saw me drop it. The cops arrived and I’m sure they were not happy to have to pick up my spooge and put it in an evidence bag.

Do you think they would spend the money to do an DNA test to find me? Am I fucked?

Name withheld

Dear Load Dropper:

Cactus say, you fucked in da head! What is wrong witchu mon?! Dis ain’t no CSI: Miami! Dem cops probably dropped dat condom in da nearest trashcan like you shoulda done! Next time, play it safe. Cum on her face.