Ask Señor Cactus!TM

translated by Mr. Shit

transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo


And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Unemployed in Philly:

Señor Cactus:

I am attending an alumni dinner with my old college buddies. It’s a place to network, but I’ve been out of work for four months and I don’t want to look desperate. Any advice?

Carl, 25, Philadelphia

Dear Alumni Bum:

Señor Cactus say, ya got ta act like ya already have da greatest job in da world. Don’t dress up, don’t bring business cards and don’t ask fer a job. You should be offering a job! Yeah, for da “company” that yer workin’ for. Make up a fake email dey should send their resumes to, like or something. Den ya casually ask if any of their companies are hiring like crazy, just like yours! It’s guarantee ta work, mon! Unless the other people at the party follow this advice too.

Longing in Lehigh Valley:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I’m a total fagnet. It seems like all the guys I date are gay. These metrosexuals spend more time looking in the mirror than I do! Where are all the real men today?

Sharon, 20, PA

Dear Broken Gaydar:

Señor Cactus say, da follow da smells of farts mixed with stale beer and wear somethin lowcut. Either dat or come to da Lambda Sigma Rho house, knock on the door and wait patiently. Someone will fuck you shortly.

Wondering in Texas:

Dear Señor Cactus:

Why is Michael Jackson dead while Tito Jackson is as healthy as a horse? Does God hate us?


Brother Goosebox, Texas

Dear Brother GB:

Señor Cactus say, God works in mysterious ways, mon. Sometime he let the guilty suffer and sometime, he let people sneak into yer room and steal yer stash. Really good stash that would’ve gotten you laid by hippie chicks for like a month. And den yer walkin’ down da hallway and you smell it coming from Dick’s room. But then God let’s you take a dump on Dick’s clean laundry. So you see, it all work out in da end.

Hat trick in Hatboro:

Yo! Señor Cactus:

I had a three-way, but it was awful. The girl was not that good looking and the guy was way bigger than me. The other guy was a friend of mine and we picked up this waitress. I thought it would be cool to double team her, but it was just uncomfortable. What should I do next time to make the experience better?

Your friend,

Anthony, 19, Hatboro

Dear ‘Gine Sharer:

Cactus say, yer a generous soul, but sharin’ bad ‘gine is kinda like sharin’ a cannoli ya dug out of da garbage. It’s a nice gesture, but not a nice experience. First ting, obviously, ya want it ta be two women, mon! Ya not out ta see another mon’s junk, are ya? No! Next, if ya can’t do that, ya got ta hang out with a friend dat with higher standards and better game. Play up to his standards, not down ta yours. And finally, if ya are trapped in a nasty three way, close yer fuckin’ eyes mon! At least ya can get off and get out before ya embarrass yerself! Don’t spend a moment worryin’ about yer friend’s unit! To da girl, yer just icin’ on da cake at dat point! (So ta speak.)

Creaming in Connecticut:

Dear Señor Cactus:

How do I make ice cream?

Bonnie, 18, Hartford

Dear Teen Creamer:

Cactus say, ya buy and ice cream maker and follow da instructions. Mistah Shit say, if ya substitute where it say “strawberries” wit some pulverized chronic and you have ice cream dat make ya hungry for more ice cream!