Jul02

Who Should Eat a Dick: Guest Column

by tonyd on July 2, 2009 at 12:49 am

sf-tony-avatar.jpg with Tony DiGerolamo

Every Thursday, the Super Frat site lists individuals whose behaviors have been so deplorable that they should eat a dick.

–  The United States, for launching another dumbass “major operation” in Afghanistan that will accomplish nothing but getting people killed, should eat a giant pile of dick made from all the people we shoot in the new few weeks.

–  Joe Jackson, who seems more concerned about his new record label than his dead son,  can eat a dick served on a Thriller album.

– The Iranian government, which can’t seem to stop shooting its own people can also eat a giant green plate of dick.

–  The guy who own a pet python that killed a toddler can eat a giant snake dick and choke on it.  Way to babysit.

–  And finally, Death, after taking so many freaking celebrities in the last week or so, can eat a giant plate of rotting, corpse dick.  What is your problem Death?!  The number is three!

Think someone needs to eat a dick? Email suggestions to dicketer@gmail.com or post in the message board

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Jul01

Twitter in Focus: MC Hammer

by tonyd on July 1, 2009 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros:

Welcome to another edition of Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Last week, I was out with an injury.  (Plus, who could follow the amazing tweets of Courtney Love two weeks ago?  Who should really be in some sort of Twitter in Focus Hall of Fame.  I’m still reading them.)  Anyhow, we must move on, analyzing the media to death as is its fate.  Today, by special request, we examine the tweets of Mr. Parachute Pants himself, MC Hammer.

Let’s begin:

June 29th, 3:16pm: “http://twiturm.com/px59 The Cha Cha is a West Coast Tradition… you can mix the 2 step with it.. but West Coast Cats LOVE to Cha Cha !!!”

Okay, starting with a plug.  Let’s not make this a shameless promo tweet, MC.

June 29th, 3:19pm: “WEST COAST CHA !!! – http://is.gd/1iiTx”

What did I just say?!

June 29th, 4:19pm: “Here’s a little Cha Cha history..the way my crew do it is with a new twist..next rehersal I’ll make a video.. – http://is.gd/1im3k”

Okay, there’s some history there.  That’s cool.  Why does it sound like midday MTV R&B?

June 29th, 4:20pm: “Rehearsal !!”

Don’t you normally call that “Hammer time”?

June 29th, 5:20pm: “@jeremypiven Where’s the trailer ?””

Oh, hey, cool.  Jeremy Piven is on Twitter.
June 29th, 5:34pm: “The Goods !!!!! Hilarious!!! – http://is.gd/1ipL3″”

Looks okay, but then so did Smokin’ Aces.  Let’s hope it’s not another one of those.

23 hours ago: “The Goods !!!!! Hilarious!!! – http://is.gd/1ipL3 starring Jeremy Piven #thegoods”

Dude, you just tweeted that.  Relax, you’re famous.  You’ll get in a movie eventually.

23 hours ago: “http://twiturm.com/r9x9 Somethin\’ To Party (Dance) 2 !!!”

Cha, cha, cha.  Sounds similar to me.

23 hours ago: “I GOT GIGS !!!… WEST COAST CHA… WHO LOVES ME…Lookin OUT The Window… I Can’t Stand It.. – http://is.gd/1iqJn”

This is just an endless plug for music.

18 hours ago: “http://twiturm.com/nd07 MJ Officially moves into the The Greatest Dancer spot at NO.1 GODFather NO.2 NO.3..This Studio 54 Off The Wall D …”

Hooray?

18 hours ago: “MJ Is THE GREATEST DANCER EVER SEEN !!! – http://is.gd/1iF22″

Okay, that song sounds different.  Not my thing, but whatever.  Don’t you have any songs about cool stuff like Mermaid murder?

17 hours ago:  “@mchammer I\’m warming up with my WEST COAST CHA !!!”

Dude, you realize you’re tweeting to yourself now, right?

17 hours ago:  “WEST COAST CHA !!! Let’s Go ! POW !!!! – http://is.gd/1iHUo”

So this is either a guy who doesn’t really pay attention to his tweets or just relentless promotes himself without any regard to overkill.

17 hours ago:  “Dance 2 the first three songs on the list before bed tonite !!! It’s Summer time..get that body right !! POW !! – http://is.gd/1iJ0i”

Or, I could stuff cake in my mouth while watching reruns of the Venture Brothers on the Adult Swim site.  Yeah, that sounds better.  Mmm, cake.

14 hours ago:  “The Summer of Music continues….. about to post another Dance (Club) jam.. ready ???”

C’mon, tell us something on this.  Did you eat a bagel?  Did you go to the store?  What do you save it all for the reality show?  Give us a crumb!

14 hours ago: “http://twiturm.com/3h3h song was inspired from the fashion shows I was hanging out at ..that international feel.. The models danced craz …”

I guess it’s funky.  Again, not my thing.  Doesn’t really inspire parachute pants dancing to me.

14 hours ago: “Check Out these ladies free styling to SHE GOT IT !!! – http://is.gd/1iRL0″

That’s kinda fun.

13 hours ago: “Show support for democracy in Iran add green ribbon to your Twitter avatar with 1-click – http://helpiranelection.com/”

Whoa!  Did these guys sing on your album or are you actually talking about something that’s not your music?  I don’t know how much that’s gonna help the Iranians.  The best thing we can do is tell Congress to shut their comment holes.  Don’t want to give hardliners any more ammo that the US is interfering.  Hopefully, we aren’t, but you know that last administration…

12 hours ago:  “Close your eyes, listen to the strings till the end of the song …gain some perspective… chorus of sorrow – http://is.gd/1iVsp”

oversell

1. To contract to sell more of (a stock or commodity) than can be delivered.

2. To be too eager or insistent in attempting to sell something to.

3. To present with excessive or unwarranted enthusiasm; overpraise.

12 hours ago: “RT @ZnaTrainer The best & most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.-Helen Keller“

Well, yeah, she WOULD say that.

12 hours ago: “This is another link to all 7 songs….. if the other links don’t work. – http://is.gd/1iJ0i”

Thanks, I didn’t get the other 9 million tweets linking to your music.

4 hours ago: “This will get me pumped for the gym.. SHE GOT IT !!! Making my breakfast shake now !!! – http://is.gd/1jhDd”

MC, seriously, you have a website and they have all these links.  Twittering is for other links.  New links.  Not the same links.

2 hours : “When I wrote It… I never deamed it would make it this far !!! Disney’s new generation..20yrs later… Love it ! – http://is.gd/1jqcI”

Wow.  That’s, um, awful.

7 minutes ago:  “Dreamed !!! …- http://is.gd/1jqcI”

Ditto.

Wow, this is just quite a step down, bros.  MC, you’re not really living the spirit of Twitter.  You’ve, dare I say it, turned it into myspace.  There, I said it.  Well, let’s score it.  For Style, I have to give you a 3.  Just repetitive.  For Mustness, got give you a 1.  You keep repeating the same things that are on your website so there is almost no reason to visit the tweets.  And finally, for Insanity, well, it is kind of insane to keep posting the same thing over and over, but it’s not particularly nutty.  I have to give you a 2.  That’s an overall score of 2.  I’m afraid that’s the lowest ever.  Please go back to twitter school and learn to post things like where you’re driving to, what you’re eating, what movie you just saw and other boring details of your life.   Uncle Marv, can you help?  If you have a contest for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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Jun28

Frat Boy At the Movies: Year One

by tonyd on June 28, 2009 at 12:01 am

Year One kinda goes like this:  Jack Black does his shtick,  Michael Cera does his thing, rinse and repeat.  It’s not bad.  Harold Ramis, who directs and plays Cain and Ables dad, does a solid job.  There are tons of funny people in this, but the performances are not as stellar as say, Night at the Museum 2.

I guess the biggest stand out is David Cross, who plays the friendly and helpful Cain.  There are also a few genius bits sprinkled throughout, including a volunteer slave.  It’s funny, but not quite awesomely funny.  More see-it-on-cable-or-netflix funny.  Black and Cera don’t appear to be doing too much stretching here and poor Paul Rudd doesn’t get to do anything other than die and mug the camera during the closing credits.    Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin from Super Bad) does a funny turn as Isaac.  “Wait, God told you to do what?  C’mon, dad, I’ll clean my tent!”  Unlike, say Mel Brooks History of the World Part I where the whole movie eventually goes off the rails, Ramis chooses to follow a kind of plot.  Ultimately, that’s not as satisfactory as seeing a funny movie unravel the Bible, but it’s left open for a sequel.  I wouldn’t count on it.

I give Year One 5 and a half keggers out of 10.  Unless you’re dying to just see a funny movie and there’s nothing else left, I’d wait for cable, bros.

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Jun27

Ask Señor Cactus!

by tonyd on June 27, 2009 at 5:25 pm


Ask Señor Cactus!TM

translated by Mr. Shit

transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

cactusmrshit.jpg

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Unemployed in Philly:

Señor Cactus:

I am attending an alumni dinner with my old college buddies. It’s a place to network, but I’ve been out of work for four months and I don’t want to look desperate. Any advice?

Carl, 25, Philadelphia

Dear Alumni Bum:

Señor Cactus say, ya got ta act like ya already have da greatest job in da world. Don’t dress up, don’t bring business cards and don’t ask fer a job. You should be offering a job! Yeah, for da “company” that yer workin’ for. Make up a fake email dey should send their resumes to, like joblesswonder@gmail.com or something. Den ya casually ask if any of their companies are hiring like crazy, just like yours! It’s guarantee ta work, mon! Unless the other people at the party follow this advice too.

Longing in Lehigh Valley:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I’m a total fagnet. It seems like all the guys I date are gay. These metrosexuals spend more time looking in the mirror than I do! Where are all the real men today?

Sharon, 20, PA

Dear Broken Gaydar:

Señor Cactus say, da follow da smells of farts mixed with stale beer and wear somethin lowcut. Either dat or come to da Lambda Sigma Rho house, knock on the door and wait patiently. Someone will fuck you shortly.

Wondering in Texas:

Dear Señor Cactus:

Why is Michael Jackson dead while Tito Jackson is as healthy as a horse? Does God hate us?

Sincerely,

Brother Goosebox, Texas

Dear Brother GB:

Señor Cactus say, God works in mysterious ways, mon. Sometime he let the guilty suffer and sometime, he let people sneak into yer room and steal yer stash. Really good stash that would’ve gotten you laid by hippie chicks for like a month. And den yer walkin’ down da hallway and you smell it coming from Dick’s room. But then God let’s you take a dump on Dick’s clean laundry. So you see, it all work out in da end.

Hat trick in Hatboro:

Yo! Señor Cactus:

I had a three-way, but it was awful. The girl was not that good looking and the guy was way bigger than me. The other guy was a friend of mine and we picked up this waitress. I thought it would be cool to double team her, but it was just uncomfortable. What should I do next time to make the experience better?

Your friend,

Anthony, 19, Hatboro

Dear ‘Gine Sharer:

Cactus say, yer a generous soul, but sharin’ bad ‘gine is kinda like sharin’ a cannoli ya dug out of da garbage. It’s a nice gesture, but not a nice experience. First ting, obviously, ya want it ta be two women, mon! Ya not out ta see another mon’s junk, are ya? No! Next, if ya can’t do that, ya got ta hang out with a friend dat with higher standards and better game. Play up to his standards, not down ta yours. And finally, if ya are trapped in a nasty three way, close yer fuckin’ eyes mon! At least ya can get off and get out before ya embarrass yerself! Don’t spend a moment worryin’ about yer friend’s unit! To da girl, yer just icin’ on da cake at dat point! (So ta speak.)

Creaming in Connecticut:

Dear Señor Cactus:

How do I make ice cream?

Bonnie, 18, Hartford

Dear Teen Creamer:

Cactus say, ya buy and ice cream maker and follow da instructions. Mistah Shit say, if ya substitute where it say “strawberries” wit some pulverized chronic and you have ice cream dat make ya hungry for more ice cream!

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