Aug08

Frat Boy At the Movies: Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

by tonyd on August 8, 2009 at 12:01 am

Bottom line, I’m not a hardcore Harry Potter fan and this movie is CLEARLY a Part I.  That makes it not so great, unless you’re just dying to catch up with all the folks at Hogwarts.  There’s a lot of clues, but precious little follow through in this movie.  It felt very much like an episode of the Harry Potter TV show and the whole ending is a downer, which may or may not be undone before the end.  I didn’t read the books.

That’s not to say it’s not entertaining, but we’ve seen it all before.  It’s beginning to look a little bit like Hogwart’s Creek  or 90210 Hogwarts as the cast is getting older and their romances are starting to become a part of the story.  But it just doesn’t feel that big.  Even the big reveal at the end is like, eh, so what?

But then again, it’s good to see Alan Rickman get work.  That guy is too good of an actor not to be in more movies.  Plus Emma Watson is of age and is pretty hot.  Okay, I give Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince 4 keggers out of 10, but 6 if you’re a fan.  It’ll probably be better as part of a DVD collection.  The movie doesn’t really stand alone.

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Aug05

Twitter in Focus: Kim Kardashian

by tonyd on August 5, 2009 at 12:01 am

Hello, bros.

Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die.  In a shameless attempt to boost our hits in the slow summer, this week’s contestant on TIF is Kim Kardashian.  I sort of vaguely know who this woman is and that she’s sort of famous for being famous, but she’s got a nice set a cans so, what the Hell.

Okay, now that I read her wikipedia entry, I sort of get it.  Of course, large funbags never hurt.  Let’s get started.

1:19pm, July 31st:  “Morning everyone! U can pre-order Quick Trim from @GNCLiveWell at http://bit.ly/NewQT now!! Khloe and I both use it and we love it!!!”

Ouch.  Shameless promotion right out the gate.  I thought she was already rich?  Oh, well, everyone’s gotta eat.  And I guess some people gotta eat caviar.  Do you really drink Quick Trim, Kim?  Quick Trim.  Kinda sounds like a dirty code word for a fast fuck in the back of a gym or something.

5:29pm, July 31st:  “Kendall & Kylie are coming with me to the Teen Choice Awards Aug 9th! They are so excited!”

Okay, those are her sisters and they all have K names.  They are the younger ones, so that makes sense they’d be excited.  I guess they’ll probably get to hang out with the Jonas Brothers or something.

7:40pm, July 31st: “I am on a plane right now! Love that I have internet access! So cool!”

Thank God this is happening.  Plane rides are so boring.  Finally, I can watch porn at 10,000 feet.

7:41pm, July 31st: “I have a better connection here then at home or in most hotels. How is this even possible?”

Oh, God you must be heading into a tower!  Look out!  Look out!

7:47pm, July 31st: “http://twitpic.com/cb8ky – Wow twitpic-ing from an airplane! So cool!”

A picture of your jugs would’ve been cooler.

8:04pm, July 31st: “http://twitpic.com/cbb1a – My view out of the window on the plane. Look at how pretty these clouds are!”

Not as pretty as those meat pillows you’re smuggling.

8:11pm, July 31st: “Wow I just ichatted w my best friend Samantha from the plane!”

I’ll bet it went something like this:  “Samantha!  Hi!  I’m on a plane and I’m on the Internet!  I’m totally Tweeting!”

12:44am, Aug 1st:  “Please pray for @mikeyjim & his mother, who was just diagnosed w lung cancer. Lets start a positive thoughts movement. Send them our love”

Aw, man, that sucks.

1:05am, Aug 1st:  “4 those dealing w cancer & illness. The Lord is in control, God has a plan 4 us all…Don’t ever lose your positive spirit & have faith!”

The doctor has a plan too.  Interesting how religion enters the picture to fill in the gaps of understanding, eh?

8:37am, Aug 1st: “Check out this band…ExDetectives “Closing Bell” is now on iTunes and Amazon”

No link?  Tweet faux pas, but we’ll let it slide.  You’re still upset.  Here’s their Youtube channel.

2:09pm, Aug 2nd: “I’m on the plane on my way home…can’t wait to spend the week heavily working out! This week is my boot camp! LOL”

Yeah, I’m sure that will be Hell on Earth for you.  I’m going to picture you working out nude and then getting a giant pot of chocolate pudding dumped on you.  It can be diet pudding though.

2:20pm, Aug 2nd: “Khloe & I are on a workout mission, everyone join in! Get your dvd’s http://fitinyourjeansbyfrid… Let’s all workout together!”

My, God you need THREE DVD’s to impart this information?  I guess the rest of your workout is carrying all that money to the bank.  I say follow up with my pudding idea.  You’d sell a lot more DVD’s that way.

2:28pm, Aug 2nd: “OK, I get twitter happy when I’m on planes…I will stop now! LOL Enjoy your Sunday! Make this day about YOU! Everyone needs “me ” time!”

Yes, yes, please stop thinking about me and my enormous flesh mountains little people.  You deserve some time to think about yourselves.

4:07pm, Aug 2nd: “who’s gonna watch @kendrawilkinson get married to Hank tonight on the E! Channel? i cant wait!”

Wait, who?  Hold on.  *google, google, google*  Ah, okay, that Kendra.  She got some sexy headlights as well.  Maybe you both should wrestle in the pudding for the video.

10:24pm, Aug 2nd: “They lost my luggage :(“

Aw, man.  Some luggage jockey is either selling your panties on ebay or sniffing them.  Jeez, that sucks.  Well, look at it this way, it gives you an excuse to go shopping.

14 hours ago:  “I need help choosing the accent color 4 my perfume bottle! http://twitpic.com/cmw4v Which 1!?!? And check out my bottle! http://bit.ly/AYdT5″

I don’t know.  Pink?  I mean, it is for girls.

13 hours ago:  “My perfume bottle is not pink, It’s definitely different than what people would expect, I just need a touch of pink on the cap!”

I don’t think people really “expect” anything from your perfume bottle other than it hold perfume and not explode.  You know, if it was in the shape of your two happy chest friends, it would hold a lot more perfume.

13 hours ago: “Thanks so much 4 helping me choose my color! I can’t wait to show u guys the final bottle!”

Yeah, real excited for you.  This is like picking the pope.

13 hours ago: “I love that you guys have helped create my perfume bottle. When I have more questions, I will ask u guys! Makes its so easy!”

Sure, ask us anything.  As you can see, I give good advice.

44 minutes ago:  “At Mr Chow w @pcdmelodyt. Lotoya Jackson, Christian Audigier, Mel B are all here! Fun night!”

That seems like a weird place and a weird group of people for Mel Brooks to hang out with.  He’s kind of a older guy, but I guess he still parties.  Aren’t you the little name dropper?

All right, we have to stop this before my head explodes.  Let’s rate Kim.  I give her a 7 for Style because she is incredibly girly.  A 3 for Mustness because she is incredibly girly and a 5 for Insantity because she is no doubt warped by her money and success.  That’s an overall score of 5, but I give her bulging tata’s an 8.  If you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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Aug01

Frat Boy At the Movies: (500) Days of Summer

by tonyd on August 1, 2009 at 1:16 am

Bros, I must warn you about this movie.  This is not a date movie, unless you’re looking to get your girlfriend to break up with you.  The basic premise is that the (500) Days of Summer are 500 days about a relationship.

Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt from 3rd Rock from the Sun) falls in love with a woman in his office named Summer (Zooey Deschanel).  The script by Scott Neustadter and Michael H. Weber is awesomely original and director Marc Webb plays the notes of the relationship well as he jumps back and forth within the 500 days.  A trip to Ikea that’s a drag later in their relationship jumps to early in it when they are having a great time.  In that respect, the movie is great at playing around with different moments and contrasting them.  Bouncing around from Tom’s immensely happy days to his worst.

There’s a great supporting casts of quirky characters that try and help Tom.  (Spoiler alert)  But things eventually go downhill as Summer never quite loves Tom the way he is madly in love with her.  That’s why, bros, you should think twice about bringing your girl to the movie.  If you are in the same kind of uneven relationship that Tom is in, this story is a perfect excuse for your girlfriend to reevaluate and think if she can do better.  Be warned.

From a story stand point, I didn’t quite buy Summer’s deal.  I felt the movie fell just a tad short at telling the audience why she didn’t love Tom.  There’s a montage at the end where Tom reevaluates and looks at some of the not-so-good moments.  They’re not really that informative.  I would’ve liked to have seen something stronger there.  Maybe Tom was just in love with the idea of her being his soulmate.  The montage doesn’t miss by much though.  Also, they cut that bus shot out of the movie that appears in the trailer.  God, that annoys me.  What’s up with that?  Now I gotta buy a DVD to see the two minutes of cut footage?

Still, it’s a pretty solid movie.  And if you’ve just had your heart broken, you’re gonna love it because it delves into the pre, during and post relationship stuff.  Although I will say that as much as women get judged by their looks in movies, men always seem to get judged by the breadth of their ambition.  Unambitious guys are bad, so when Tom quits his job to pursue his dream that somehow makes him a better person.  Maybe.  Or maybe some people are happy where they’re at.  I don’t know, it just seems to ALWAYS be a factor in these sorts of relationship movies.  If the woman is actualizing her man into something better, than she’s not doing her job somehow.

Anyhow, analysis aside, it’s an interesting movie, different, nicely paced.  I give it 7 keggers out of 10.  But remembering my warning bros.  Unless of course, you WANT to break up with your girlfriend…

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Jul30

Who Should Eat a Dick

by tonyd on July 30, 2009 at 3:00 am

sf-chris-avatar.jpg with Chris Moreno

Every Thursday, Chris Moreno lists individuals whose behaviors have been so deplorable that they should eat a dick.

—  The Florida woman who was put on probation for illegally injecting women with silicone deserves a hot beef injection… in her face.

— A Florida two-fer!  Dr. Wesley Meyers, the dentist being sued for dropping tools down an elderly patient’s throat—twice—an act that supposedly led to the man’s death– should have a couple dicks dropped down his throat, rinse, and spit.

— Antonion Fernandez, the California carjacker who impersonated a policeman and accidentally pulled over a real undercover cop, should eat a dick disguised as a hot dog.   

 — Glenn Beck, for saying President Obama is a racist with “a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture”, should eat “ebony and ivory”, a black dick and a white dick, together in perfect harmony.

 — And finally, a “Who Should Eat a Dick” first, ladies and gents—the first time I have asked someone to not eat a dick.  In the U.K., Shaun Skarnes agreed to murder his “furry” lover, Christopher Monks’, parents, and, in lieu of payment, bite off his co-conspirator’s dick.  Yeah, you read correctly.Now, for those of you who’ve been reading the column for a while, you understand when I suggest that someone “eat a dick”, it’s not to be taken seriously.  It’s not even a physical dick.  It’s a figurative dick—a phantom dick, if you will.  Mine is the Dick of Justice… located right above the Balls of Destiny, btw.  This story takes things to a whooooole ‘nother level.  Apparently this was a sexual fantasy of Monks’—to have his wang bitten off.  Call me naïve, but this appears to be a sexual fantasy you can only carry out once– unless you plan on riding to the emergency room with your crank in an igloo cooler every time you wanna enjoy a night of carnal ecstasy. But anyway, I can’t tell either of these guys to eat a dick.  What would that solve?  Nothing.  So I’m telling them, for the first time in this column’s history, that I hope they never, ever, eat a dick ever in their lives, forever.  Seriously, keep all the dicks in the world away from their mouths under all circumstances.   Think someone needs to eat a dick? Email suggestions to dicketer@gmail.com or post in the message board.

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