Bit of history with this one, bros. Back in college, I wrote this sketch. It was inspired by a hilarious conversation my friends and I were having when we discovered the local McDonald’s delivered. We decided that delivering McDonald’s food in a clown costume in a bad neighborhood had to be the worst job ever. And my comedy buddy imagined a guy in costume getting stabbed, bleeding to death mumbling, “I hate this job, I hate this job.” That, combined with a real pizza joint another friend had told me about and it just sort of came together.
I sort of inadvertently stumbled upon a similar character by chance while my friends and I shot the infamous “Zesty sketch” for The Nothing Special back in college. I say, inadvertent, because it wasn’t really the sketch, but this guy Pete who dressed up as a bar of soap. It was really a box painted white and he couldn’t get his hands above his head. After a long day of shooting, he was pretty pissed off and he was already a sarcastic guy to begin with.
We actually attempted to shoot the Pizzaman sketch after I had got out of college, but it never came together. Here now, for the first time in years (and the third draft) It’s Pizzaman!
The Pizzaman Sketch by Anthony M. DiGerolamo (TWM)
Copyright 1986
INT. PIZZAMAN PIZZA SHOP-EVENING
This is a typical pizza delivery service, except that all the employees are dressed like a superhero called, “Pizzaman”. PIZZAMAN JUDY answers the phone.
JUDY
Pizzaman Pizza, this is Judy. (pause) Plain cheese? Okay,
in ten minutes. Got it.
Judy writes down the address and calls to people OFF CAMERA.
JUDY
Hey!
POV OF JUDY
PIZZAMAN ALEXIS, PIZZAMAN JAMAL and PIZZAMAN ALICE are sitting around a small table playing cards. PIZZAMAN BILLY is reading a newspaper and PIZZAMAN MITCH is having a smoke.
JUDY (CONT’D)
Pizzaman Mitch, you’re up.
Mitch gets up and takes a pizza box from Judy.
JUDY
Don’t forget the slogan this time.
MITCH
(bothered)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just give me
the friggin’ pizza.
Mitch exits.
INT. SEEDY APARTMENT-EVENING
JAKE, KIM and ROY are seated in a run down corner apartment on the third floor of a city tenement building. On the table is a gym bag containing piles of money. There is a knock on the door and each draws a gun. Jake slowly approaches the door.
JAKE
(cautiously)
Who is it?
MITCH
(repeating routinely)
It’s Pizzaman. Champion of truth,
justice and extra cheese.
JAKE
How do we know it’s you?
MITCH
(impatient)
Hey! I got warm grease drippin’ on
my utility belt. You wanna hurry up?!
Jake and the others hide their guns. Jake opens the door and Mitch pushes his way inside. Kim and Roy begin to snicker at Mitch’s costume.
KIM
(laughing)
Pizzaman! What are you, faster
than a speeding anchovy?
MITCH
(aggravated)
It’s 9.89 with tax.
Jake takes the pizza and hands Mitch a coupon.
JAKE
(opening the box)
This isn’t cut.
Mitch sighs, pulls a pizza cutter off of his utility belt and begins to cut the pizza.
SFX: Police cars and sirens surrounding the building.
Kim, Roy and Jake draw their guns and take positions at the windows. Mitch hides behind a chair, but continues to examine the coupon and then his watch.
CAPTAIN WILLARD
(over bullhorn, from outside)
Attention, attention! This is Captain
Willard of the NYPD. You are completely
surrounded. Throw out your weapons and
come out with your hands up.
ROY
(near tears)
Oh, no, man. We’re dead! You here that?!
Kim slaps him.
KIM
Shut up! They’re gonna have to kill me
before I go back to prison! (yelling
out the window) You want us?! Come get us!
Kim begins shooting out of the window. The police return fire.
MITCH
(insulted)
Hey! This is expired! I can’t take this!
JAKE
We’re kind of busy, right now!
MITCH
(mocking)
Oh, well, we all got our little problems.
Now who’s paying for this?
ROY
They’re gonna kill us!
KIM
Calm down!
MITCH
What am I, invisible here?!
KIM
Somebody pay him!
Jake opens his wallet and takes out some money.
JAKE
I’ve only got two.
As Jake hands Mitch the money, he is shot in the arm.
JAKE
Ah!
Jake drops the money. Mitch dives for the bills and rolls behind another piece of furniture.
MITCH
(to Jake)
You sis! (examining money) Great!
This will pay for the box.
KIM
Look! You’re gonna have to wait until
this is over!
MITCH
(angry)
You know, some us have a life to lead.
I got better things to do!
ROY
(near the breaking point)
There’s some money in the bag!
KIM
Shut up, Roy!
JAKE
Just let him take some!
Mitch opens the bag. It is full of wrapped $100 bills.
MITCH
(examining, whining)
You got anything smaller?
KIM
What?
MITCH
I need change for the other customers!
The shooting stops.
CAPTAIN WILLARD
(bullhorn, outside)
All right, Kim! If you don’t surrender
now, we’re coming in!
KIM
No, you’re not!
Kim picks up Mitch, puts a gun to his head and brings him to the window.
KIM
(yelling)
We have a hostage!
MITCH
(growling)
I hate this job! I hate this job!
CAPTAIN WILLARD
(bullhorn, outside)
Okay, okay. Bring him closer so we
can see that he’s okay.
Kim moves Mitch a step closer.
SFX: (from outside) Cpt. Willard and squad laughing.
MITCH
(angry)
Hey! Do I bother you at work?!
CAPTAIN WILLARD
(bullhorn, trying not to laugh)
Okay. What are your demands?
KIM
(yelling out window)
We want a plane to Mexico and
a police escort to the airport!
MITCH
And call my boss! Tell him the
other order’s gonna be late!
KIM
Shut up! Or I’ll waste you!
MITCH
Hey! All I know is that I got a
serious tip comin’ to me!
CAPTAIN WILLARD
(bullhorn, outside)
Look, Kim. Give yourselves up now
and you’ll do five, maybe ten years
at the most. You hurt that hostage—
KIM
(yells back down)
We get the idea! (nervous) Maybe
Roy’s right.
ROY
Please! I saw “Dog Day Afternoon”
five times! Let’s just give up.
JAKE
(in pain)
I’m hurt pretty bad, and I don’t want
to walk around in Mexico with that.
MITCH
At least I got a job, pal!
KIM
(yelling down)
Okay! You win! We’re coming out!
Kim, Roy an Jake set their guns on the window sill.
MITCH
(sarcastic)
Wonderful, now will one of you wimps
give me some friggin’ money?!
KIM
We don’t have any money. Why
do you think we robbed a bank?
Mitch runs over to the window and picks up a gun.
MITCH
(yelling out the window)
Not so fast, copper! This is the
hostage speaking! If someone doesn’t
meet my demands, my captors get it!
JAKE
Can he do that?
KIM
He’s got the guns, hasn’t he?
CAPTAIN WILLARD
(bullhorn, serious)
Okay, hostage, what are your demands?
MITCH
I want somebody to buy my pizza and
the other order in the car. And I
want a tip! A good tip! And no tricks!
CAPTAIN WILLARD
(bullhorn)
Will you honor our coupon?
MITCH
(furious)
No! No, way! If I see one coupon, I
waste them all!
CAPTAIN WILLARD
(bullhorn)
All right, hostage, you win. Bring out
your pizza.
Mitch sets down the gun, picks up the pizza and begins to leave.
MITCH
(gloating)
See? You just have to know how to
talk to people.
Mitch exits and the bank robbers follow.
