If your birthday is this week: You will be the oldest “kid” every to have a birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, but the youngest one to go home with hot restaurant manager.
Aries: You will see what you think is the seventh sign of the apocalypse, but it turns out your roommate murdered a flock of pigeons in your living room.
Taurus: The stars say, shave off all the hair on your body…or don’t. Seriously, the stars don’t care.
Gemini: Your cat will hide your socks. He’s been fucking with you for weeks.
Lemini: You won’t have to worry about that blood you coughed up. Turns out, that’s natural when you’ve been stabbed in throat.
Cancer: Your monkey will run up your cable bill watching HBO demand.
Leo: After drinking beer all week, you discover that you have a problem. You’re out of beer.
Virgo: Some astronauts will stop by your house and try to sell you on a raffle to make money for a new Space Shuttle.
Libra: You will be forced to abandon some underwear on a date. You might not want to fart quite so freely next time.
Scorpio: You will discover that your Chinese tattoo says, “Overpriced whore”.
Sagittarius: Your imaginary butler goes on strike.
Capricorn: Your microwave burrito will gain sentience and you’ll discover just how tasty sentience is on a burrito.
Aquarius: This week, someone will borrow your butt cheek pants and return them without washing.
Pisces: You will discover that it’s the models that get nude at an art class, not the students.
