If your birthday is this week: You bounce house comes with a bouncer who refuses to let you in until you show up with a date.
Aries: The bikers in the biker bar you visit will buy very few of your scented candles.
Taurus: The ghost of Charles Nelson Riley tries to explain to you why he was famous, but you still don’t get it.
Gemini: Your script for the sequel to the movie Se7en is rejected because you call it 6ix.
Lemini: The stars say, don’t start anything important on your computer for a while because a Windows update is about to happen.
Cancer: You will develop a new app that will allow you to avoid other people’s farts.
Leo: The toll taker refuses to take your homemade money or your homemade EZ pass.
Virgo: You will find a pretty decent movie on Netflix and keep your subscription going another year without watching anything else.
Libra: Some rough looking girl scouts forcibly sell you some cookies.
Scorpio: Porn Hub gives you your own category.
Sagittarius: Your instagram account will obtain negative fans.
Capricorn: You will leave the A.V. Club after you discover that the letters do not stand for “Advanced Vagina”.
Aquarius: YouTube censors your video channel just because you suck.
Pisces: The sushi restaurant requests that you no longer holder business meetings with cats there.
