If your birthday is this week: The clerk at CVS wishes you a happy birthday, but won’t take back the candles you used.
Aries: Your new flavor of Tasty-Kake, “Underside of Mouse Pad”, meets with mixed reviews.
Taurus: The plumber doesn’t not give you a discount, even though you took apart your sink before he arrived to fix it.
Gemini: Cosplaying Game of Thrones characters while you’re watching it at home by yourself seems like a lot of work for nothing.
Lemini: After a long and boring call, the telemarketer will hang up on you.
Cancer: You’ll ask for a happy ending, but waitress will insist that its incredibly inappropriate.
Leo: Your favorite character in Game of Thrones does die because, sadly, Gimli is not in Game of Thrones.
Virgo: You will take a tour of Butterscotch country.
Libra: The stars say, mow your lawn you lazy fuck.
Scorpio: You’ll break up your polyamorous relationship after your tenth argument over who picks up the check.
Sagittarius: You’ll discover that your cellphone plan charges you double for misspelled texts.
Capricorn: You’ll get a deal on used lottery tickets.
Aquarius: Your board game based on waiting in a doctor’s office does not sell as well as expected.
Pisces: You will eat your weight in Royal Crown Ice Cream.
