If your birthday is this week:  You find out that you haven’t been pranked for your birthday, no one remembered.

Aries:  You will find Robert Mueller burying the real report in your backyard because Trump is even more innocent that one.

Taurus:  No one wants to join your Facebook group dedicated to Instagram Denial.

Gemini:  Your puppets come to life and form a union, but you can’t afford their pension plan so you throw them in a dumpster.

Lemini:  The stars say, you should put better pictures on Tinder and ones of yourself.

Cancer:  You’ll punch way too many people in the buffet line at the wedding reception.

Leo:  You’ll discover that there’s radioactive wasted buried under your tomato garden because the tomatoes will tell you.

Virgo:  Twitter determines that your account has been triggering people and deleting it will solve all its problems.

Libra:  A group of cowboys will sue you for copyright infringement for moseying in public.

Scorpio:  Joe Biden refuses to give you a creepy massage unless you shower first.

Sagittarius:  Your escort and a pizza business is shuttered by the cops after one week, but you use the ten million dollars you make to stay out of jail.

Capricorn:  Your kid tells you that he would’ve won the Science Fair with his mini volcano, but Tommy Lee Jones burst into the room and smashed it to pieces.

Aquarius: Your future self arrives to tell you that you will finish the time machine and to start exercising, so you smash your half built time machine.

Pisces:  You’ll trick your horoscope readers by posting actual horoscopes instead of fake ones.