If your birthday is this week:  Everyone sings happy birthday to you at your party, but then again, the people in the drunk tank with you have no place else to go.

Aries:  A homeless guy will look you up and down and hand you your dollar back.

Taurus:  Although your firework display will be noticed, the old folks home says it was inappropriate to light it inside.

Gemini:    Your bartender will spend all night complaining about you.

Lemini:  Your stalker leaves you for someone else on Tinder.

Cancer:  Your Intervention goes well and they finally get you to stop watching the Big Bang Theory.

Leo:  Your neighborhood watch refuses to let you join because mostly, they just spend time following you.

Virgo:  You’ll run into your old shop teacher and he will demand to know why you still have all your fingers.

Libra:  Your rhythmic fart videos on YouTube will get a copyright strike from Metallica.

Scorpio:  You’ll receive a surprise happy ending and it will be the best trip to the library ever.

Sagittarius:  You’ll realize that a supermarket check out line is an appropriate place for a make out session with the cashier.

Capricorn:  The stars say, sticking your genitals in anything the appliance store sells is a bad idea.

Aquarius: You find romance at an ice cream truck, but then realize that dating a Rocket Pop won’t work.

Pisces:  You’ll get laid at the comic book convention, but then realize there’s no one in the furry costume you’re humping.