If your birthday is this week:   All your friends come to your birthday party, but then again your cats are always at your place anyway.

Aries:   You will accidentally swipe right on a picture of a pizza on Tinder and have no regrets.

Taurus:  You’ll realize that you’re actually an android, but the good news is that it helps your credit rating.

Gemini:    A telemarketer will hang up on your because you sound boring.

Lemini:   Your parents tell you that it’s time to move out…of the state.

Cancer:  You’ll invent a new flavor of ice cream called “Filthy Hobo”.

Leo:  The people in line at the ATM will get into a discussion about your smell.

Virgo:   It turns out, the government has been spying on you, but only because they like your choices on Netflix.

Libra:  Your iPhone will send you an alert to buy some breath mints.

Scorpio:   You will have a sensual encounter with a toll taker.

Sagittarius:  This week, you’ll realize hitting on that girl is inappropriate until you exchange insurance information.

Capricorn:  You will be asked to leave a Wal Mart because of your clothing.

Aquarius:  You’ll be struck by two different kinds of fast food containers while walking this week.

Pisces:  You’ll steal from work, which is extra dangerous since you took that gig at the Aquarium.