If your birthday is this week:    Your friend will belch you the most beautiful birthday song.

Aries:   You’ll thaw out an Neanderthal you find in your basement and he’ll be a really bad roommate.

Taurus:  You will sneeze your way into a promotion.

Gemini:    Your pizza man drives a Delorean, which is probably why it arrives before you call.

Lemini:   Your Tinder meet up ends in a police chase again.

Cancer:  You’ll accidentally back over the Predator who is standing behind your car in the driveway.

Leo:  This week, you’ll realize making your breakfast in the shower causes more problems then it solves.

Virgo:   The doctor will tell you again that marshmallow Peeps do not count as a food group.

Libra:    Despite rolling a 300 game, the people in the bowling alley insist that you wear pants and underwear if you want to come back.

Scorpio:   Turning on a black light in your room makes it look like a white can of paint exploded in there.

Sagittarius:  A light on your car will alert you that your girlfriend is too ugly to ride in the front seat.

Capricorn:  The minotaur will finally corner you in the maze and attempt to sell you a time share.

Aquarius:  You’ll talk a guy down from the ledge of a building and he’ll land on a minivan with a splat.

Pisces:  Internet porn will ask you to give it a break and it’s not you, it’s it.