If your birthday is this week:    Yes, you’re getting combo gifts because your birthday’s too close to Christmas, suck it up.

Aries:    This week, you’ll pee in a very exciting place.

Taurus:  You’ll get your takes done, but realize that the 2015 deadline has long since passed.

Gemini:   Your co-workers will love that joke and so will the HR guy that lets you go.

Lemini:   The stink from taking your shoes off in the shoe store will set off the fire alarm.

Cancer:   You’ll let your roommate borrow your car then realize to your horror that you have no roommate.

Leo:   By some strange twist of fate, everyone at the office party will be named “Terry”, but you still won’t remember their names.

Virgo:   A group of bikers will ask you for the last box of Cinnamon Frosted Pop Tarts in the supermarket, they’ll back down after you lick the box.

Libra:   You’ll discover there’s no extra points in Scrabble for using nothing but curse words.

Scorpio:   Your gimp will decide to take a break from you for a while and be someone else’s ottoman.

Sagittarius:   The other superheroes in your League of Justice figure out you’ve been embezzling and demand their cut of money or equivalent in Spandex.

Capricorn:   Your play about the joys of complaining is a huge success.  Everyone hates it.

Aquarius:  You’ll learn that it is still illegal to give people a bikini wax against their will, no matter how good you are at it.

Pisces:   Although you get a bikini wax against your will, you feel smooth for the whole week!