If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday party gets kicked up a notch when you break open the pinata that had the cocaine smuggled in it.

Aries:  The stars say, you might want to have that mole checked because it’s a tick.

Taurus:  You cat will lose his fight with your vacuum cleaner and you will have a lot of explaining to do at the vet.

Gemini:  This week, make sure you shave.  Will Sasso is going to put you in one of his videos.

Lemini:  The Silver Surfer stops by your place and uses your bathroom.  He stop up the toilet with silver turds and then deny it was him.

Cancer:  You will discover that ordering M&M’s on your pizza is a bad idea.

Leo:  This week, a Hooter’s waitress will offer to let you motorboat her chest if she can key your car.  Seems like a fair trade.

Virgo:  The mice in your kitchen will deliver a petition to you demanding healthier choices in your pantry.

Libra:  You will discover that your hot dog cannon is accurate, but that your ammo cannot hold the relish at any speed.

Scorpio:  You will make sweet love to what you later discover is your cousin and reinstitute your policy of carding everyone you bang.

Sagittarius:  On 4/27 you’ll realize you missed an entire week’s worth of work.  Happy 4/20!

Capricorn:  You will discover that the unicorn you purchase is fake.  It turns out, unicorns don’t rape you.

Aquarius:  Your lifetime pass to Blockbuster has officially expired, partly because there is no more Blockbuster, but mostly because you’re a vampire.

Pisces:  You will eat way more cheese than expected this week.