News!  In bite sized chunks you can actually swallow!  These are the Rewritten Headlines!

Celebrities to Derail Coverage of Real News for Conceivable Near Future

Julian Assange Continues to do Job of Entire Western Media

George W. Bush to Make Cancer Worse

Hotels to Become Less Semen Coated

Rich Guy Raises Less Than Half His Net Worth

The Smell of Sweaty Fat People Permeating America

Undead Get More Sophisticated in Their Attacks

Headline Funny Already