News, tactless, the way it should be.  This is the Rewritten News!

Real: Can Romney Beat the GOP Gloom?

Rewritten: Millionaire Leads Depressed Millionaires

Real: Skyrim Gets Kinect Intergration

Rewritten: Gamers to Have More Free Hands to Shove in Doritos and Mountain Dew

Real: Nashville Predators’ Shea Weber Fined $2,500 for Head Slam

Rewritten: Hockey Player Fined for Pleasing Fans

Real: Employers Not Liable if Workers Skip Breaks, Court Rules

Rewritten: Employers to Make Work Slightly More Shitty

Real: Holding a Gun May Make You Look Bigger, Stronger

Rewritten: Holding a Gun Increases Penis Size

Real: NASA Kind of, Sort of, Maybe Found Life on Mars 36 Years Ago

Rewritten: NASA as Efficient as Other Government Agencies

Real: North Korea’s Rocket Launch Ends in Failure

Rewritten: North Korea Can’t Get it Up

Real: Buffet Rule or Not, Most Rich People Already Pay

Rewritten:  Rich People Own More Reporters Than You Think

Real: Baboons Can Recognize Written Words, Study Finds

Rewritten: Jersey Shore Cast Not as Dim as Previously Thought