Your rewritten news team is back with the rewritten news. Don’t read news stories. Skim them and get sorta facts.

Real: Charlie Sheen will star in FX show ‘Anger Management,’ based on Jack Nicholson movie, in 2012

Rewritten: Charlie Sheen Finally Able to Afford Coke Again

Real: NYPD Police Probe Targets Muslims Who Change Their Names

Rewritten: Cops Expand Racist Policies to All

Real: Big Banks Blink on Debit-Card Fees

Rewritten: Banks Delay Fucking You in Ass

Real: Medical Marijuana Advocates Sue Prosecutors Over Crackdown

Rewritten: Stoners Demand Right to Pretend to Have Glaucoma

Real: Saudi King, Abdullah, a Cautious Reformer

Rewritten: Saudi King, Doesn’t Behead People as Much

Real: Evidence for Huge Dinosaur Migrations That Once Took Place in Ancient America

Rewritten: New Evidence Proves Even Dinosaurs Didn’t Want to Live in New Jersey