Hey Bros:

Just got back from a wake and funeral, so I’m a bit pressed for time. As some of you know, I used to write jokes for Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher. Here now are some of the jokes that got rejected. Thank you! Try the veal! Goodnight!

Tony D’s Politically Incorrect Jokes from the 1990’s
Copyright 1996

Federal investigators has ended its investigation into Hooters restaurant for refusing to hire male employees, much to the disappointment of the waiters who got their implants.

According to labor experts, a line of Wal-Mart clothing with Kathie Lee Gifford’s name on it is being produced by children in Honduran sweat shops for 31 cents and hour. Kathie Lee says Wal-Mart corrected the problem months ago and moved Cody to a different branch of the company.

Eric King, son of Don King, was listed Tuesday as New York City’s #1 deadbeat dad. He owes $175,000 in support to his daughter, who was born in 1990. A tearful Don King said, “I’m so damn proud of that boy!”

An unpublished novel by Little Women author, Louisa May Alcott, was uncovered by two scholars. It was supposedly written in 1849, but there is some doubt because the book is called Little Women and the Men who Love Them.

The latest invention for the internet is talking. With some new affordable software and a microphone hooked up to your PC, you can actually have a conversation with someone on the net. In a few years, video hookups will also be possible and experts say that within ten years, computer geeks will need to find another hobby.

The rebel leader of the Chechens surfaced. The Russians claimed they had killed him, turns out all he wasn’t dead he just spent the week hosting Saturday Night Live.

The band, Rage Against the Machine, is angry at Saturday Night Live. The show cut their second song during the Steve Forbes show because they wanted to hang American flags upside-down. One of the band members called SNL “bootlickers to their corporate masters…” and said their band got more laughs than the rest of the cast.

Mohammad Abu Abbas, one of the hijackers on the Achille Lauro in 1985, apologized for the hijacking and killing a wheelchair bound hostage. He said it was the only way to impress Hizbolla chicks.

David Copperfield is opening his own chain of restaurants called Copperfield Magic Underground. It will combine the restaurant experience with magic. Unfortunately, everytime you cut your food with a knife, a waiter runs over, covers it with a napkin and puts the pieces right back together.

A Yemeni appeals court ruled on Wednesday that a man, convicted of shooting schoolchildren, should be executed by firing squad and then nailed to a cross for three days near the scene of the crime. The children are understandably upset by this, the cross is right in the middle of the kickball field.

Five people were arrested in Italy for trying to smuggle 60 million dollars worth of cocaine in cans of tropical fruit. Police became suspicious when the locals started shooting themselves over Del Monte Fruit Cocktail.

Gas prices in California are out of control. Here in Los Angeles, one gas station’s prices topped the $2 mark. Experts say if the prices continue to rise, Los Angeles residents may have to find an alternate fuel source to make the smog.

Madonna was quoted yesterday as saying that she hopes to raise her child as a “good Catholic” just like her. Then, her and the reporters all had a good laugh.

House Republicans are refusing to vote on a minimum wage hike. Newt Gingrinch said he wouldn’t vote for it because it would be bad for the country and that he almost never gets ketchup when he goes through the drive thru.

A new study reports that children are more likely to recognize the Budweiser frogs, than Smokey the Bear. Critics say its because Budweiser is aiming the ads at pre-teens, Budweiser says it is not, it’s just harder to recognized Smokey the Bear when you’re loaded.