translated by Mr. Shit
transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Phoneless in Philly:

Dear Señor Cactus:

My Rumba sucked up the phone cord, pulled my phone off the nightstand and broke it. What should I do?

Bob, 21, U of Penn

Dear Phoneless:

Cactus say, “What is dis? 1997?” Get yerself a cellphone, mon’! Or should I page ya first to tell ya? If dat don’t work, send the Rumba here:

Boned in Boston:

Hey Señor Cactus:

I met this guy at a party and he pressured me into sex. I want to continue to date him, but he refuses to let up on the sexual accelerator. Is there a diplomatic way to get him to stop asking me for anal sex every time we go to a movie or chat online?

Patty, 19, Harvard

Dear Cheeky Target:

Cactus say, puttin’ da fire out on college-age hormones is like buildin’ a sand castle ta stop a tidal wave. Watchu need ta do is unload dat gun so he got no more ammo. Cactus say, find out what he like sexually, den buy him dat in porn! Den all ya gots to do is remind me about da porn before ya go on a date, maybe tease him with some phone sex, den show up real late for yer date. By da time you arrive, he’ll be half asleep from yankin’ his crank!

Roommate Funk in West Virginia:

O, Great Señor Cactus:

My roommate is an okay guy, but he stinks! I mean, his B.O. is extreme. I don’t know what it is. I see him go to the showers every morning and then he’s okay for a while, but by the time he comes back to the room, especially after dinner, he smells like ass. I don’t want to gay up our room with potpourri or air freshener, but I don’t know what else to do. Please advise.

The Stevenator, 21, WVU

Dear Ass Smeller:

Cactus say, anyone called “Stevenator” pretty much gets what he deserves, but he help you anyway. Okay, da reason yer roommate smell like da inside of a garbage scow shit bucket is because he don’t eat right. He probably packin’ on da Freshman 15 again wit all dat cheese and hamburgers and crap. It would take many weeks of pressure and instruction ta get him to eat right and exercise, but fuck dat. You just want ta be able ta breathe. So get yerself a bottle of Beano, cut it up with a razor blade and den offer it to him like it’s cocaine. He snort a few lines every day before class and his ass will smell better den a bag of freshly baked cookies!

Facebook Fucked:

Dear Señor Cactus:

So I started dating this chick at the end of Freshmen year, but we agreed to “keep it light”. So we weren’t officially boyfriend/girlfriend when we left for summer break. Now I use Facebook about as often as I drink jagermeister, which is like once in a great while. So when I got back to campus, imagine my shock that this chick had been “poking me” and posting about me all through the summer. She had a whole narrative going that I did not subscribe to.

So, when we got back to campus, I made the mistake of banging her. I know, I know, but how do I turn down free and easy sex the first week back of my sophomore year. But then she went nuts on the Facebook, so I broke up with her a few days later. Now, all over campus, chicks are giving me the evil eye. Like I did something wrong? How do I get my rep back?

Am I a Dick?, Cornell U

Dear Not a Dick:

Cactus say, you did the right thing, mon’! You were honest wit her, she was not honest witchu! As far as yer rep goes, dis chick did ya a favor! Now every girl on campus wants ta “change ya”. Da next time it comes up in conversation with a chick, Cactus say, don’t be a pussy. Own dat motherfuckin’ story! Like Obama, ya gotta spin da narrative. She hurt ya gettin’ out her spin first, but once word gets out what a freak she is, you’ll be fine. If dat don’t work, ya can always lie. Plus you can always go back and bang that freaky chick. Cactus say, a freak in a sack is worth two in a three-way!

Tony D translated this advice column before Mistah Shit was whisked to Afghanistan. He wishes all the bros safe return from the current storyline. If you have a question for Señor Cactus, email him here.