If your birthday is this week: Don’t be fooled by things that sound too good to be true. It’s unlikely your mail order bride will get breast implants ahead of time just because you send her the money first.

Aries: You will accidentally post an erotic email as your status update. It will be hilarious to everyone except the octogenarian you intended to send it to.

Taurus: The stars say, lower your expectations. It’s unlikely you’ll ever become the first pornstar astronaut.

Gemini: Don’t worry about all those poker games you cheated in, no one will ever find out. Mainly because people assume you cheat to win.

Lemini: Ever hear of brushing your teeth? We didn’t think so. Google it shit mouth.

Cancer: You will order the salad and regret it.

Leo: Good news! You will not be raped by a clown this week. It’ll make that groping by a ringmaster seem like nothing.

Virgo: Either the cows are plotting against you or the pharmacy screwed up your order again. Maybe take a trip back to CVS.

Libra: This week, Josh Brolin will offer you some gum. Don’t make a big deal about it.

Scorpio: You will win a political argument this week, but only because you’re wearing the largest strap on dildo in the room.

Sagittarius: You will remember some important instructions wrong this week and instead of playing dead, you will brag to a bear about your credit score.

Capricorn: Your air conditioner bill will be $357.46 this week. Maybe you should keep your meat in the freezer like everyone else.

Aquarius: You will get to see the “Lost” epilogue. It won’t make the show suck any less.

Pisces: Batman will mistake you for the Joker and beat the crap out of you.