If your birthday is this week: Your freshman roommate tracks you down while you’re on vacation. He tells you he misses pressing his junk onto your forehead while you sleep.

Aries: Your cat will quit being your pet this week. She’s just had enough of your shit.

Taurus: People who visit you keep passing out for 10 to 16 hours at a time. Maybe you shouldn’t keep your muscle relaxants so close to that bowl of M&M’s.

Gemini: God grants you your wish and gives you your own TV show. It’s the best episode of Intervention ever.

Lemini: Despite the fact your sign doesn’t exist, it’s fake predictions are eerily accurate.

Cancer: Your celebrity stalking backfires when Lindsay Lohan answers your letter and promises to visit you when she gets out of jail. Yikes.

Leo: No, not that way, the other way.

Virgo: This week you will learn an important lesson about mulch.

Libra: Someone leaves your cake out in the rain. You don’t think that you can take it, because it took so long to bake it and you’ll never have that recipe again. Fortunately, you can just search the Internet.

Scorpio: Your faux pas at the bondage club goes unnoticed, but the sex slave in the leather mask spends all week trapped in the club until someone cuts off his handcuffs. In a hopefully unrelated story, you dad hasn’t been seen in a week.

Sagittarius: You mistake an open door at the zoo for a restroom door. Fortunately for you, the chimps don’t care if you pee in their habitat. They welcome you with fists full of feces.

Capricorn: If you are in the Mafia, things take a turn for the worst as Johnny Pick Axe discovers your wire and beats you to death with a cinderblock at the construction site. If you’re not in the Mafia, you enjoy some nice pie.

Aquarius: The stars say love thy neighbor, at least until her husband gets home.

Pisces: Your creatives juice explode this week. It’s a good thing you can make yourself a new pair of pants.