Hey Bros:

Welcome to another installment of my rejected comedy samples. Today’s samples came from a pirate comedian that I was auditioning to write for off of Craigslist. Yes, you heard me, Craigslist. Enjoy the jokes matey! I hope ye won’t be sayin’, “Aaargh!”

Pirate Comedian Jokes
written by Tony DiGerolamo
copyright 2007

Lots of pirates have the hook for a hand. That’s because you do a lot of rope work on the ship and sometimes you’re too drunk to be doing it. You get your hand caught and boom— Hook for a hand. Lots of those guys with a hook, also have the eye patch on the same side. That’s because when they get the hook, they forget to take it off at night and the next morning they wake up and rub their eyes and— Ahhhh!

But living on a ship full time can be grueling. Eventually, you get sick of fish and you have to get to port and fuck something human.

Pirates get all the ladies. One reason, because we love animals. We always have a parrot or a monkey or a hamster or some little critter right here. So when we go into port the ladies are like, “Oh, so cute. Look at the little monkey.” Yeah, we don’t mention that the pet is usually the emergency food supply. Take it from me, when you’re starving, monkeys don’t taste that gamey, parrots are just like chicken and there’s a pet shop in every port. That’s why we always name the monkey “Hot Dog”. I only wish I could find a pig small enough to live on my shoulder.

You know what’s the worst part about being a pirate? It’s not burying your treasure, it’s digging it up. I normally pick these nice secluded spots, right? Bury all my bling. Then sure enough, the British Navy burns my ship and I gotta buy another. I follow the map and sure enough, some douchebag’s built a Best Buy right where the “X” on my map was. It sucks.

I walk into the Best Buy, hoping I can somehow get the information without telling them about the treasure. I go up to the cashier and I’m like, “Hey, how long you been working here?” And she says, “Oh, since the beginning.” I’m like, “Great, what about right before that? Did you maybe, swing by while they were building the store? Get your application in way early? Did any of the construction workers suddenly (make quote signs) “win” the lottery?”

Lots of people think pirates are gay and that’s not true. It’s just that after you’ve been to sea for four or five months, you have to use your imagination. Like, for instance, you imagine your friend, Scurvy Dave, is a 20 year-old Korean girl that gave you a happy ending before you left port. Or you close your eyes real tight when you kiss the cabin boy. Trust me, what happens below deck, stays below deck.

We can’t take women on board. Women are unlucky. That’s the belief. Sorry, no offense. Plus, once we get out to sea, the rules of decorum are greatly relaxed, let’s say. Trust me, you don’t want to be around to find out why we call it the poop deck, okay? You think Europeans are creepy in speedo, you haven’t seen Scurvy Dave work on his all over tan while he’s hauling up the anchor.