This is hands down the worst time travel movie I’ve ever seen.  The makers of this movie (and I suspect the book) use time travel as a literary device to talk about loss, relationships, etc.  But ultimately, Eric Bana’s character is an empty suit.  Boring as a stick.  And the time traveling part isn’t even cool and what little is there is constantly being played down.  Here’s a list of things that were missing in this so-called time travel movie:

1)  Abe Lincoln

2)  Hover boards

3)  Jack the Ripper

4)  Dwarves that worked for God

5)  Princess babes

6)  Ron Silver as the villain

7)  Biff

8)  An alternate history where the Nazis won

9)  A killer robot from the future with an Austrian accent

10)  The time traveler becomes his own grandfather

11) Morlocks

12)  Chad, Matt and Rob

13)  John Titor

14)  An action scene

15)  Logic

16)  Reality

17)  A fucking explanation of time travel

Anyhow, if you take out all the time travel stuff, this is a movie about a guy that sees his mom die in a car crash, meets a nice girl, finds out he has a genetic disease, by some miracle has a daughter and then dies early.  The end.  Snore.  Rachel McAdams acts the shit out of this movie, but it comes off more as flailing.  Why the fuck did you marry this guy?  You knew the deal.  At least he had a life outside of you.

Both characters are just so annoying and let the events of their lives sweep them into whatever drama.  There’s one scene where Bana actually uses his time traveling to win the lottery, leaving you to ask, “Why the fuck didn’t he do that earlier?   And if he can do that, why doesn’t he avoid dying at the end?”  It all felt like manipulative bullshit to me and I left the theater wanting to punch the usher.

I give The Time Traveler’s Wife 2 out of 10 keggers.  Feign illness if your girlfriend tries to drag you to this one, bros.