translated by Mr. Shit

transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Post of Shame:

Dear Señor Cactus:

The guys in my dorm shamed me so bad I have magic marker on my eyelids, scalp and ball sack. I’ve tried everything to get it off. Any suggestions?

Salim, 20, Camden, NJ

Dear Dark Balls:

Yes. Señor Cactus say, ya should move out of any dorm where familiarity leads ta bein’ comfortable writin’ on another mon’s testicles.

Switch Hitter:

Dear Señor Cactus:

Recently, I’ve found myself attracted to other women. I’ll like to some experimenting, but I’ve been in a long term relationship for three and half years with my high school boyfriend. Is it cheating if I experiment with another girl without his knowledge or consent?

Heather, 21, Cornell

Dear Secret Experimenter:

Señor Cactus say, you are a very selfish womon’. ‘Dis mon’ love you and you betray his trust by sleepin’ wit another womon’? Without him bein’ in da room wit plenty of lights and a digital camera?! And only if it is a three-way would dat be not cheatin’. Don’t be selfish girl! Experiment wit yer mon’.

Eight is Enough!

Dear Señor Cactus:

This Nadya Suleman woman has eight kids and then expects everyone else to pay for them by putting up a family website? What the fuck’s up with that?

Your buddy, Carl, 26, Austin, TX

Dear Outraged Octuplet Watcher:

Señor Cactus say, what is wrong wit spawnin’ young? He spawn many a cacti in da desert and his prickly dick don’t need no fertilization drugs! Dis woman is clearly babying her offspring. She should just leave dem in da desert to survive (da strongest ones will). Dat’s what a good cactus parent does, buddy.

Perplexed at Penn State

O, Señor Cactus:

I have a history professor that says Abraham Lincoln was, well, basically an asshole. He claims that not only did he violate the Constitution on a number of occasions, he did things during the Civil War that would’ve made him a war criminal today. Is he full of shit?

Dear Abe Lover

Cactus say, da log-splitting douchebag was a terrible mon’, mon’. He suspended haebus corpus while stepping on a puppies! He let his generals kill men, women and children so he could masturbate over the corpses! He even destroy da cactus arboretum in Atlanta before he have Sherman burn it down! Dat why, till dis day, pennies down South are known as “Ass Coins”. Get yer fact straight, mon!