And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Broken Bong in Boston:

Dear Señor Cactus:

A group of friends and I got together for a smoke. My friend, Darla, brought her bong, but it broke inside her knapsack on the way over. Fortunately, I had a back up pipe, but this was not a bong. Darla insisted that she only smoked from a bong and wanted to “take her share” of the weed. She had not paid for the weed! Her contribution was to bring the bong. Would you give her any weed? What’s the etiquette here?

Chuck, 22, BU

Dear Weed Giver:

Cactus say, Darla is being what we like ta call a Weed Baby. She a high maintenance smoker and she got ta compromise in an emergency! Still, dis is just da sort of person dat need a smoke ta mellow out. Maybe ya give her a little weed ta get through her day. Give da Weed Baby a little smoke. She harsh Mistah Shit buzz right now!

Neverland Realty:

Hey Señor Cactus:

I hear Michael Jackson is selling the Neverland Ranch. Only 24 million. I think you should buy it!

John, 18, Napier U, Edinburgh

Dear Investment Advisor:

How Cactus gonna buy ranch, mon? Cactus got no savings account or portfolio! Besides, ya know how many rooms dat place got? Cactus bet if ya ran through that place wit a black light da walls would be cover in Jacko juice stains. Dats why Cactus live in da desert.

Taverns in Tinseltown:

Señor Cactus:

Im thinking of opening a bar with my friends in Hollywood, but I don’t know if it’s a good investment. What do you think?

Joseph, 41, Hollywood, CA

Dear Future Moe:

After da recent Oscar telecast, dere are lots of people in dat town dat need a drink! Open it, mon!

Vagina Dialogues:

O’, Señor Cactus:

Who do you like in the presidential Democratic primary? I like Barack Obama, but I feel obligated to vote for Hillary because I should support my gender.
Allison, 20, Hendrix College, Arkansas

Dear Barack the Vote:

Cactus say, dere are lots of plants in his gender he never vote for! Da pods in Invasion of da Body Snatchers, for instance, have a terrible foreign policy! And dat big plant in Little Shop of Horrors, no sensible domestic policy on the economy at all! And don’t even get Cactus started about the Killer Tomatoes views on nationalizing healthcare. You got ta follow yer heart not yer vagina!