If your birthday is this week: Sean Gillis, who originally wasn’t going to show up to your birthday party, changes his mind because he might need the work.
Aries: Your comic book superhero, Captain Pantless, gets mixed reviews.
Taurus: The clerk in the mens store points out that you’re wearing the same clothes as the mannequin in the display window and asks you to stop.
Gemini: You will get a letter from the front lines of the Civil War.
Lemini: You’ll be banned from Twitter leaving just six people left on the platform.
Cancer: Your dog will bark until you finally renew her Netflix.
Leo: The robot you build just keeps smoking pot, playing video games and eating ice cream.
Virgo: Your roommate finally comes clean about massage you while you sleep, but swears it’s for science.
Libra: After your car accident, your insurance company loans you a unicorn to get around while your car is being fixed.
Scorpio: You’ll accidentally use your lube as toothpaste, again.
Sagittarius: The stars say, the oil you discover on your property is just the sewer line you ruptured by digging.
Capricorn: It will turn out the creepy guy following you is just the salesman in the hardware store, the real ax murder is that hobo you picked up hitchhiking.
Aquarius: The drive thru clerk will refuse to give you legal advice.
Pisces: You’ll eat your way across South Jersey and then fall asleep with your third pork roll.
