If your birthday is this week:  The cops bust up your party, probably because you forced everyone at gun point to be there.

Aries:  You’ll be referred in the Mueller report as the “fat and ugly witness”.

Taurus:  Someone on the train will share their seat with you and then take a sip of your Starbucks iced tea without asking as “payment”.

Gemini:  Sadly, the New York Stock Exchange will not recognize your business making Joe Biden memes as a public company.

Lemini:  You’ll see Bigfoot once, but he won’t return your text for a second date.

Cancer:  Punching the nurse does get you seen sooner in the ER, but does get you seen sooner by a doctor at the jail.

Leo:  Your experience as a paperboy does not apply to being an ice cream truck drive, even if you hit ever stoop with an ice cream sandwich.

Virgo:  You will get a receipt from CVS that’s so long, it stretches from the CVS to your house.

Libra:  The stars say, you will be audited by a ghost and the ghost IRS will demand ghost money as payment.

Scorpio:  You will be asked to be a nipple clamp spokesperson.

Sagittarius:  Although the rules don’t specifically state it, you’ll find out that pants or some kind of lower body covering are mandatory in the library.

Capricorn:  Youtube informs you that you’re the first vlogger to get negative views.

Aquarius: Not even the automatic cashier at Target wants to hear your boring store about the great parking space you got.

Pisces:  Despite your best efforts, you’ll be unable to steal the Geordi LaForge visor from Levar Burton a OC CON.