If your birthday is this week:  Your friends will email you and tell you all about your birthday party.

Aries:  Daring the cops to taze you, turns out to be a bad day for you, but a fun day for the cops.

Taurus:  Your Pokemon Go game leads you into a dark alley where you’ll beaten and robbed by Bulbasaur.

Gemini:  The IRS will in form you that your porn subscriptions are not a useable write-off.

Lemini:  The demon you summon not only doesn’t make you rich, but insists that your girlfriend came on to him.

Cancer:  Hiring ex-newspaper boys for your beer delivery service turns out to be a bad idea.

Leo:  You will embark and an epic journey shortly after examining a catapult.

Virgo:  You put too much yeast in your bread and it gets up and runs out of the house.

Libra:  The stars say, you should walk a mile in another man’s shoes because your shoes are horrible and anything would be an upgrade at this point.

Scorpio:  Turns out, your grocer doesn’t know which vegetable is the best to microwave and have sex with.

Sagittarius:  You will be visited by three ghosts and all of them won’t stop talking about the Mueller report.

Capricorn:  You’ll be molested by a massage chair at the mall.

Aquarius: You’ll discover that tipping the pizza guy gets you more toppings, but he keeps them in his pocket.

Pisces:  You plan to get buff is unrealistic because getting bit by a radioactive Dwayne Johnson is probably not going to happen.