If your birthday is this week:   You friends sneak in another intervention in place of your birthday party.

Aries:   You’ll be approached by a cult, but after a brief interview, they’ll decline to recruit you.

Taurus:  Your pizza man will recommend a good diet for you.

Gemini:    This week, you’ll sneeze on someone else’s custard.

Lemini:   A man dressed as a fast food clown will attempt to sell you heroin.

Cancer:  Your GPS keeps dropping hints: all your directions keep leading to a therapist’s office.

Leo:  You’ll accidentally order a metric ton of garlic powder on Amazon.

Virgo:   You’ll try to let out a fart at a funeral, but it won’t be a fart.

Libra:    Your car will reveal itself to be a Transformer and insist that attempting to sell him on Craigslist is slavery.

Scorpio:   You’ll be part of the first documented case of giving an STD to an inanimate object.

Sagittarius:  Your cake delivery service does not go over well, when the paperboys you hire use the same delivery system.

Capricorn:  You’ll be banned from Twitter for being too boring.

Aquarius:  The shoe salesman at the store will like the smell of your feet way too much.

Pisces:  You’ll sleep walk to the burrito store again.