If your birthday is this week:   You blow out the candles, but Trump is still president.

Aries:   You will see Bigfoot at a taco stand.

Taurus:  You’ll spot a group of Amazon drones hunting, killing and eating a mailman.

Gemini:   You’ll realize work is way more fun if you drink most of a bottle of cough syrup before you go in.

Lemini:   You’ll step on a Lego and wish you were never born.

Cancer:  This week, watch out for machete-wielding cosplayers on meth.

Leo:  The psychic hotline will answer the phone already knowing it can’t answer your question.

Virgo:   The stars say, a snowball fight using cocaine gets increasing fast and expensive the more times you hit your opponent.

Libra:   You will be recruited to be in the Fast and Furious movies as the car insurance adjuster that has a heart attack.

Scorpio:    You’ll discover the hard way there’s just no way to masturbate in an IKEA without one of the security cameras seeing you.

Sagittarius:  A relative will leave you all his public stock in Orange Julius, allowing you to sell it and buy a medium sized drink at Orange Julius.

Capricorn:  Spiderman lands on your car in the middle of a traffic jam, washes your windshield and asks you for a dollar.

Aquarius:  You’ll teach a mollusk how to speak, but all it will do is body shame you.

Pisces:  You’ll have to be reminded that the food samples are only what the store offers, not what you can bite through a package in the aisle.