If your birthday is this week:    You’ll realize as you walk into your birthday party that “being cheeky” doesn’t mean arriving without pants.

Aries:    You will spend most of the time huddle in bunkers during your Afghanistan vacation.

Taurus:  Aliens abduct you, but free you after you reveal your pin number.

Gemini:   You’ll turn on the wrong burner on the stove and the person who owns the house you’re in immediately points it out.

Lemini:    The approval ratings will come out and you’ll rank between an expired sandwich and a tick.

Cancer:  A gas station attendant will criticize your wardrobe choices.

Leo:  You’ll realize that Google is fixing your searches so you can’t find any links outside midget incest porn.

Virgo:   Your cat will demand more tuna and bring into lawyers to intimidate you into complying.

Libra:    You’ll be giving the ownership of the cigar store since you’re the only customer that’s still alive.

Scorpio:    You’ll be traded for a pack of smokes, but the guy you end up at least buys you dinner first.

Sagittarius:  Your snowman freezes, falls over and crushes a slow squirrel.

Capricorn:  The pope grants you an audience, but only if you’ll play Fortnite with him.

Aquarius:  The stars say, an actual barrel full of monkeys isn’t as fun as it sounds unless there’s a lid.

Pisces:    You’ll find a new source of even cheaper Ramen, where the company pays you twenty cents every time you eat a package.