Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is writer of Family Guy, Artie Johann.  Funny writer: will his tweets stack up?  Let’s find out.

June 8th:  “A Sound That May Play On Loop In Hell: The first pull from a roll of duct tape.”

Unless you’re a serial killer, in which case that’s probably a pleasant sound.

June 8th:  “No race of people points curiously into the sky better than Asians.”

According to Godzilla movies, but I think it’s mostly CGI.

June 9th:  “A lot of people who aren’t deaf look deaf.”

That sounds like a rejected Family Guy joke.

June 9th:  “All some people have are Dave Mathews concerts.”

That’s sad.  Except for that one good song.  The fans of Nickelback don’t even have that.

June 10th:  “Someone needs to tell college girls that shaving their pussy doesn’t count as working out.”

I don’t know, that’s a close call.  Most should video tape and post it on the Internet so unbiased people can judge.

June 11th:  “Some people are pretty fucking proud of cherries.”

It is tough to grow those fucking trees.

June 12th:  “I feel like most philosophical journeys end up with jerking off and going to sleep early.”

Assuming you can find some video of pussy shaving.

June 12th:  “I will out wrestle any grandmother.”

I dunno, Sarah Palin would be kinda tough.

June 13th:  “When you’re hungry it’s fun to sing “Cheese Enchilada” to the tune of “Smooth Operator”.”

Oo, that works.  Now I’m hungry.

June 13th:  “Who gets in trouble if your friend’s cat scratches your dick? The cat or you?”

You are responsible for the cat.

June 14th:  “If you go for a jog and don’t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?”

No.  This is why the Jogville game never took off.

June 15th:  “As a houseguest, it’s considered rude to not wipe your butt on their bed.”

That is totally a Peter Griffin move.

June 15th:  “A lot of assholes love their lawn mower.”

Yeah, I never enjoyed King of the Hill either.

June 16th:  “Please pray for all the uncles out there who suffer from the horrible disease called “All Caps Texting.””

We have a lot of virtual screaming to do.

June 16th:  “It’s weird when bands wear shorts.”

Yeah, especially when it’s the Rolling Stones.  You don’t want to see that much gray body hair.

June 17th:  “Found the best cure for a hangover: murder everyone you meet for one day.”

As long as you murder them quietly.

June 17th:  “Found the best cure for a hangover: go to a stranger’s funeral.”

It would be quiet.

June 17th:  “Found the best cure for a hangover: cum forever.”

Wow, how did you find THAT out?

June 17th:  “Found the best cure for a hangover: start a series of small fires.”

You can combine this one with the first one.

June 18th:  “Somebody should make a documentary about injustice.”

Yeah!  Wait a minute…

June 18th:  “No one will ever be as tired as dads waking up from naps.”

It’s true.  It’s where they get extra REM.

3 hours ago:  “My favorite way to shit is by exercising.”

Yeah, but it makes for a very stinky treadmill.

Okay, let’s rate Artie’s tweets.  He’s working it hard.  Gotta give him credit.  I certainly see the Family Guy style in his tweets.  I give him 8 for Mustness, 9 for Insanity and 10 for Style.  That’s an overall score of 9.  Artie’s at the top of his game, bros.  Follow him.

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