Real: India Says It Successfully Test Nuclear-Capable Missile

Rewritten: Everyone in Pakistan Shits Pants in Fear

Real: Three U.S. Secret Service Employees Removed in Prostitution Case

Rewritten: Obama Administration Narrowing Down Scapegoat Choices

Real: EPA Sets New Rules for “Fracked” Gas Wells

Rewritten: EPA Sets New Rules for Corporations to Ignore

Real: Obama Team Reaches Out to Latinos

Rewritten: President to Pretend to Enjoy Taco With Working Folks

Real: Bizarre Cosmic Ray Mystery Continues

Rewritten: Scientists Still Looking for People That Got the Superpowers

Real: Mel Gibson to “Get the Gringo” Producer:  Funny, You Don’t Look Jewish

Rewritten: Mel Gibson Still Trying to Destroy Career

Real: U.S. Troops Posed with Severed Bodies of Afghan Insurgents

Rewritten: Troops Doing More Fucked Up Shit the Longer the War Continues

Real: Nugent to Meet with Secret Service

Rewritten: Nuge’ to Explain to Secret Service How to Hide Prostitutes From Reporters