Super Frat

Hey Bros!

Welcome to a new column at Super Frat called “Ten Things You’ll Never See”.  Let’s start with something easy; the movies.

Ten Movies You’ll Never See
Written by Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 2012

10:  Han Solo Strikes Back: The Empire may have been defeated, but when a group of renegade stormtroopers steal the Millennium Falcon and all of Han Solo’s pay, it’s time for payback!  Han and Chewie are gonna mess up some stormtroopers real good!

9:  Zombies Don’t Run:  Finally, a zombie movie where the zombies actually shamble like zombies instead of running at you screaming like they’re Olympic athletes.  The characters are in a desperate situation at first, but by the second act they get organized, find plenty of weapons and start wiping out the zombies systematically instead of randomly running from one scene to the next.

8:  Neo: The Real Matrix: After waking up, Neo realizes that the Matrix 2 and 3 were all just a dream.  He spends the next 90 minutes fighting all those other computer programs dressed like Hugo Weaving along with Lawrence Fishburn.

7:  Pixar’s The Dark Knight Returns: If no one is going to do the live action movie, then this is the next best thing.  Featuring all the voice talent from the most awesome Bruce Timm cartoon.

6:  Scarlett Makes Out: Not so much a movie, but a series of short scenes featuring Scarlett Johannson making out with hotter and hotter movie starlets, culminating in a topless pillow fight scene.

5:  An Army Movie That Makes the Army Look Shitty:  To look at the movies, you’d like being part of the Army is nothing but awesome action with occasional hard drinking.  This would be a movie about guys who sit around an guard empty buildings, complain about the food and get their paperwork constantly screwed up.  Not a single bullet would be fired in anger and it would all take place in a foreign country where everyone likes America, but hates the god damned army base almost as much as the soldiers.

4:  James Bond Fights Actual Terrorists: After years of fighting generic terrorists as to not to offend any particular country, Bond actually goes after a list of terrorists hiding in various countries and blows them away.  In between, he bangs some hot chicks and the movie culminates in a climatic scene, revealing that Osama Bin Laden’s double was killed in the raid and Bond kicks him into a tank full of piranhas.

3:  Ugly People Exist: A movie in which plain people are cast and many of them aren’t particularly attractive.  In the end, it’s revealed that all the handsome people died because they all used the same artificial tanning cream.

2:  Kill All Twilight Vampires: The vampires from the Lost Boys, Underworld, Near Dark and the Blade movies team up to wipe out the Twilight vampires and Bela before they can sissify vampires any further.  In the climatic ending, they also take out Tom Cruise as LeStat and Anne Rice apologizes during the closing credits for starting the whole mess.

1.  The Godfather vs. The Sopranos:  After revealing that the last few bad seasons of the Sopranos and Godfather III were all just a dream, Tony Soprano must defend his turf from rival Don Corleone.  His ace in the hole is Joe Pesci’s character from Casino who miraculously survived his execution in a cornfield and Tony Montana, who survived his hit because of all the cocaine he took.  But Don Corleone has one ace up his sleeve, Robert DeNiro’s character in like ten different movies.