It’s time for Rewritten Headlines, with your Rewritten News Team! Get informed, stay informed! At least as far as you’re willing to skim headlines! This is the Rewritten News!

Real: Top Ten Video Games Sold In November

Rewritten: An Actual News Story That You’ll Read All the Way Through

Real: Unpleasant Smell Linked to Gonorrhea in Men

Rewritten: Smelly Dicks to be Sucked Less

Real: EPA Sounds Alarm on Fracking

Rewritten: Toothless Government Agency Says Stuff Politicians Will Ignore

Real: Perry Declines Trump Invite

Rewritten: GOP Candidate Finally Draws Line on Self-Humiliation

Real: Ford Recal:  Wheels Could Fall Off Fusion, Mercury Milan

Rewritten: American Cars Still Shitty

Real: Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy to Drop Early Next Week

Rewritten: Celebrity Uses Cooch to Stay Relevant