Time for you Rewritten Headlines, bros! Why read the news, when Rewritten Headlines can summarize what happened without tact in seconds!

Real: Bank of America to Charge $5 Monthly Fee for Debit-Card Usage

Rewritten: Banks Continue Evil Reign

Real: Michelle Obama Shop Incognito at Target

Rewritten: First Lady Stages Photo Op to Garner Sympathy

Real: Michael Jackson Bodyguard Takes Stand in Manslaughter Case

Rewritten: News Organizations Stop Reporting to Gawk at Famous Corpse

Real: U.S. Makes Deported Immigrants Take the Long Way Home

Rewritten: Home Depot Parking Lot to Be Less Crowded

Real: China Set to Launch Its Own Space Station: Mission Unknown

Rewritten: Blocked Chinese Google Maps to Become Way More Accurate

Real: Holly Madison Insures Breasts for $1 Million

Rewritten: Lucky Insurance Guy Gets to Evaluate Primo Tatas

Real: Cat with Two Faces Marks 12 Years off Defying Odds, Setting Records

Rewritten: Misleading Article Title Not About Rick Santorum