News is hard.  Headlines are less hard.  But rewritten headlines are even less harder than that!  Here now is your news written in spoiler form.

Real: Scarlett Johansson Exposed by Hacker

Rewritten: Greatest Hacker in World Unleashes Most Awesome Boobie Pics on Humanity

Real: Kirstie Alley:  “I’ve Lost 100 Pounds!”

Rewritten: Formerly Fat Actress Rewelcomed Back Into Hollywood

Real: Phillies Seal Playoff Spot as Halladay Pitches Shutout

Rewritten: Phillies Get Fans Hope Up As High As Possible Before Blowing It

Real: Microsoft Unveils Windows 8

Rewritten: Microsoft Unveils Blue Screen of Death Version 8.0

Real: After Kabul Attack, Twitter War Ensues Between NATO-Led Forces and Taliban

Rewritten: War Still Fucking Ridiculous

Real: Jobs Fight Gives Obama Major Opportunity with Independents

Rewritten: President Hopes to Bribe Undecided Voters