Time for the news, bros. But why read the news when you can skim with the help of Tony D.

Manning Sideline by Another Operation

Rewritten: Colts to Suck This Season

Real: Southern California Hit By A Big Power Outage

Rewritten: Southern California Hit By A Big AC Outage

Real: Special Libya Unit Hunts for Muammar Gaddafi

Rewritten: Special Libya Unit Just Ten Years Away From Shooting Gaddafi

Real: New Fossils May Redraw Human Ancestry

Rewritten: Creationists Have New Thing to Ignore

Real: NASA Ship Discovers New “Invisible” Planet

Rewritten: NASA Discovers Planet of Jon Huntsman Supporters

Real: Brazilian Blowout Hair Treatment Takes Heat From FDA

Rewritten: FDA Doesn’t Want You To Get a Brazilian

Real: Officials Confirm “Credible but Unconfirmed” 9/11 Threat

Rewritten: Government Reminds You to Be Afraid Just in Case