Bah-bah-but-baaaaah! Bah-ba-bah, but-bah-bah! Bah-bah-but-baaaaah! Bah-ba-bah, but-bah-bah!

Hey, bros, it’s time for Rewritten Headlines. When you don’t have time to read actual news stories, let Tony D tell you the news in rewritten headlines. Saves time and brain cells. It’ll allow you to drink more! Now, the news!

Real Headline: Wells Fargo: Financial Winner

Rewritten Headline:  Bankers Still Laughing All the Way to Work

RealAlabama Enacts Tough Illegal-Immigration Law

Rewritten:  Alabama Done Hating Black People, Moving Onto Mexicans

Real: Red Sox Wipe Out Yankees

Rewritten:  God Still Rooting for Boston

Real: Newt Gingrinch Loses Key Members of His Campaign

Rewritten:  Resume Emails Pay Off for Gingrich’s Smarter Staff Members

RealMTV Cancels Racy Teen Drama “Skins” After One Season

Rewritten:  MTV Fans Realize They Can See Fully Naked People on Internet

RealWeiner Insists He Won’t Resign

Rewritten:  Weiner to Resign in 3…2…

RealWallow Fire Crosses Border Into New Mexico

Rewritten:  Even Fire Gets Fed Up with Living in Arizona