Ask Señor Cactus!TM

translated by Mr. Shit, transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo


And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Desperate in Downingtown:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I have tried everything to get a girl.  I’m only 22 and haven’t been in a real relationship yet.  Most girls just want to have sex with me and that’s it.  I am a part time male model and I continually workout.  None of the women I date seem to want to get to know the real me.  They just want to jump in bed after the first date and have lots and lots of sex.  They buy me clothes, pay for dinner, but I never get to really know them, ya know?  What should I do?

Mac, 22, Downingtown, PA

Dear Johnny Horsecock:

Cactus, say, what da Hell is wrong witchu mon’?!  Ya know da guy in “It’s a Wonderful Life” dat have a good life already and don’t know it despite his problems?  Dat’s you, mon’!  Only instead of meeting an angel named Clarence, yer bangin’ a chick!  And instead of going to a bridge to commit suicide, yer bangin’ a chick!  And instead of running through town saying “Merry Christmas” to everyone, yer Merry Christmas is bangin’ a chick!  And ya know what yer probably doin’ right now as ya read dis?  Look down, because yer bangin’ a chick!  Seriously, mon’, listen to yer dick for once!  Remember, girls like this exist!

Listing in Los Angeles

Hey Señor Cactus:

I have this list of things I like to see in a guy.  I’m tired of dating players and perverts.  I want someone that’s handsome, sweet, faithful and a real man.  Are they out there or am I setting my expectations too high?

Margo, 21, USC

Dear High Bar Banger:

Cactus say, if yer gonna date a mon, ya best be lowerin’ da bar as low as ya can.  Have ya ever seen what men will do ta get in yer pants girl?  We’re all players and perverts, we just get better at hidin’ it from ya!  A mon is a guy dat will fuck ya, but a real mon is a guy dat will make ya think he only fucked ya because you wanted him to.

Cheater in Chesapeake:

Great Señor Cactus:

My roommate copied a take home exam almost word-for-word from me.  The douchebag didn’t get caught, but he got a higher grade than me!  WTF?  We could’ve BOTH been thrown out of school!  Should I NARC his sorry ass and if not, what should I do to get back at him?

Don, 18, University of Maryland

Dear Rat Wannabe:

Cactus say,  no one ever got anywhere rattin’ out dere roommate.  Watchu gotta do is help him again.  Only dis time, download da most obviously forged term paper in history and den leave it some place easy for him ta “find”.  When dat cheatin’ moron turn in an A++ paper, da bells and whistle will go off, mon!  And if he come back to you, just say ya wanted ta help his grade!

Fire Drills in New York:

Señor Cactus:

My girlfriend and I agreed to take a “cooling off” period where we see other people.  Right around that time, I noticed there were a lot of fire drills going off in my dorm.  I hooked up with an ex-girlfriend of mine, figuring we were on a “break” and everything.  (I had to get my bang on.)  So, bam, three am, another fucking fire drill.  Me and my ex huddle under the blanket and go outside and I spot my current girlfriend in the dorm across the street watching!  So before she sees me, I run back in the dorm ahead of the firemen and then climb out a window in the back of the building into the snow.  I’m in sweats and socks and I like run through the snow so the firemen don’t see me.  I run around through the woods and find my girlfriend wondering through the crowd out front looking for me.

I went to a friend’s room in a dorm about a block away to warm my feet and borrow some shoes.  I waited.  Then I borrowed a jacket and walked back to my dorm.  I spotted my girlfriend and casually walked past her like I was going back to my room after being out.  I waved high and went back inside.  I found my ex still there.  I banged her again, just to spite my girlfriend.

Was that wrong?

Miller, 20, NYC

Dear Miller the Driller:


Potential DP in Denver:

Dear Señor Cactus:

My roommate met this chick and he’s been banging her loudly in our room ever since.  I try to stay out of the room and I try to ignore them when I’m sleeping, but they’re just so loud and they fuck all the time!  Last night, after about an hour, I look over there and the girl is looking at me.  She winks and licks her tongue at me!  I think she wants me to join in.  What’s the move here?  Do I just walk over and jump in?  Is it wrong that I masturbated to them banging?

Dear Second Banana:

Cactus say, first, it’s never wrong ta masturbate if yer roommate is gonna bang right in front of ya.  Dat’s like eating in front of a hungry mon!  Second, don’t break da Bro Code, mon.  Ask yer roommate if it’s okay.  Make he sick of fuckin’ her already.  Maybe he don’t mind ya throwin’ yer junk into da mix.  But ya just don’t want ta go for it, mon!  Dat dangerous!  How would ya feel if you were makin’ sweet hot monkey love to a chick and den yer friend stuck his junk into her mouth without warnin’?  A surprise sword fight ain’t no way ta start yer day, mon!  Ask permission!