sf-chris-avatar.jpg  with Chris Moreno

Every Thursday, Chris Moreno lists individuals whose behaviors are so deplorable that they should eat a dick.

— Manulife, the Canadian health insurance provider who cut a woman with depression’s sick-leave benefits because of photos on her Facebook in which she appeared to be having fun, should learn the difference between someone who’s having fun and someone who’s not.  What better way to learn than by eating a dick covered in broken glass?

— Larry Whitfield, the douche sentenced to life in prison for scaring a 79-year-old woman to death during an attempted kidnapping, should experience true fear– eating a big, sweaty dick that hasn’t been washed in a week.  I don’t know about you, but having to put anything in my mouth that smells like bleach and rotten Indian food would scare the hell outta me.

— The American Fork, Utah Police, for giving a citation to one of four teens for rapping their order at McDonald’s, should eat a big dick with two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun.  Actually, y’know what– hold the lettuce.

— The jive-ass Seattle ninja who impaled himself on a fence while trying to leap over it should be impaled in the mouth with a big, ol’ dick.  Flawless victory.

— Friends, sometimes I come across an article that seems to have been tailor-made for Who Should Eat a Dick.  David Kelbaugh of Rolesville, NC was charged with assault with a deadly weapon, among other charges, for ramming his car into a hot dog cart when the vendor refused to sell him a hot dog and soda for a dollar.  If he’s in such a hurry to eat a wiener, then why doesn’t he take a bite of a big, fat dick!  Ba-BOOM!

Think someone needs to eat a dick? Email suggestions to dicketer@gmail.com or post in the message board.