with Chris Moreno
Every Thursday, Chris Moreno lists individuals whose behaviors have been so deplorable that they should eat a dick.
— The Florida woman who was put on probation for illegally injecting women with silicone deserves a hot beef injection… in her face.
— A Florida two-fer! Dr. Wesley Meyers, the dentist being sued for dropping tools down an elderly patient’s throat—twice—an act that supposedly led to the man’s death– should have a couple dicks dropped down his throat, rinse, and spit.
— Antonion Fernandez, the California carjacker who impersonated a policeman and accidentally pulled over a real undercover cop, should eat a dick disguised as a hot dog.
— Glenn Beck, for saying President Obama is a racist with “a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture”, should eat “ebony and ivory”, a black dick and a white dick, together in perfect harmony.
— And finally, a “Who Should Eat a Dick” first, ladies and gents—the first time I have asked someone to not eat a dick. In the U.K., Shaun Skarnes agreed to murder his “furry” lover, Christopher Monks’, parents, and, in lieu of payment, bite off his co-conspirator’s dick. Yeah, you read correctly.Now, for those of you who’ve been reading the column for a while, you understand when I suggest that someone “eat a dick”, it’s not to be taken seriously. It’s not even a physical dick. It’s a figurative dick—a phantom dick, if you will. Mine is the Dick of Justice… located right above the Balls of Destiny, btw. This story takes things to a whooooole ‘nother level. Apparently this was a sexual fantasy of Monks’—to have his wang bitten off. Call me naïve, but this appears to be a sexual fantasy you can only carry out once– unless you plan on riding to the emergency room with your crank in an igloo cooler every time you wanna enjoy a night of carnal ecstasy. But anyway, I can’t tell either of these guys to eat a dick. What would that solve? Nothing. So I’m telling them, for the first time in this column’s history, that I hope they never, ever, eat a dick ever in their lives, forever. Seriously, keep all the dicks in the world away from their mouths under all circumstances. Think someone needs to eat a dick? Email suggestions to dicketer@gmail.com or post in the message board.
