sf-chris-avatar.jpg with Chris Moreno

Every Thursday, Chris Moreno lists individuals whose behaviors have been so deplorable that they should eat a dick.

—  The Florida woman who was put on probation for illegally injecting women with silicone deserves a hot beef injection… in her face.

— A Florida two-fer!  Dr. Wesley Meyers, the dentist being sued for dropping tools down an elderly patient’s throat—twice—an act that supposedly led to the man’s death– should have a couple dicks dropped down his throat, rinse, and spit.

— Antonion Fernandez, the California carjacker who impersonated a policeman and accidentally pulled over a real undercover cop, should eat a dick disguised as a hot dog.   

 — Glenn Beck, for saying President Obama is a racist with “a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture”, should eat “ebony and ivory”, a black dick and a white dick, together in perfect harmony.

 — And finally, a “Who Should Eat a Dick” first, ladies and gents—the first time I have asked someone to not eat a dick.  In the U.K., Shaun Skarnes agreed to murder his “furry” lover, Christopher Monks’, parents, and, in lieu of payment, bite off his co-conspirator’s dick.  Yeah, you read correctly.Now, for those of you who’ve been reading the column for a while, you understand when I suggest that someone “eat a dick”, it’s not to be taken seriously.  It’s not even a physical dick.  It’s a figurative dick—a phantom dick, if you will.  Mine is the Dick of Justice… located right above the Balls of Destiny, btw.  This story takes things to a whooooole ‘nother level.  Apparently this was a sexual fantasy of Monks’—to have his wang bitten off.  Call me naïve, but this appears to be a sexual fantasy you can only carry out once– unless you plan on riding to the emergency room with your crank in an igloo cooler every time you wanna enjoy a night of carnal ecstasy. But anyway, I can’t tell either of these guys to eat a dick.  What would that solve?  Nothing.  So I’m telling them, for the first time in this column’s history, that I hope they never, ever, eat a dick ever in their lives, forever.  Seriously, keep all the dicks in the world away from their mouths under all circumstances.   Think someone needs to eat a dick? Email suggestions to dicketer@gmail.com or post in the message board.