Ask Señor Cactus!TM

translated by Mr. Shit

transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Mystery Misogynist:

Señor Cactus:

Yo, what up with all these stinky-ass, unstable emotional bitches?!!! Women are screwed up in the head! I’ve seen the guys they wit. THAT’S why I’m single!

Signed Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:

Cactus say, uh, yeah. Riiiiiiight. He sure it’s da women and not you.

Needs to get his rocks off:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I’m a freshman Geology Major at Texas A&M on the Corpus Christi campus. I’m pretty athletic and in decent shape from playing on my high school basketball team. Although I’m not a playa, I’m not shy around the ladies. Still, I can’t seem to get one to come back to my place because I live in a dorm. Most of the women I meet live in a dorm too! I don’t get it? Can you give me some advice?
Jim, 19, Corpus Christi, TX

Dear rocks in your head:

Señor Cactus laugh at you first. He thinks it’s funny dat you can’t get laid at a University campus with its own beach! You’re practically living in Club Med, mon’! Señor Cactus freezes his stickers off each winter here in upstate New York at prestigious Ryesmore U, while you can still frolic in the sand! He say, you should be bangin’ girls right on the sand instead of stickin’ your head in it. What girl want to have sex with a rock-lovin’ dork like ya? Ya might as well majored in dirt! Cactus say, dat’s what yer goin’ ta be makin’ when ya graduate! Ya ought ta lie and tell da girls yer a History Major and yer just screwin’ around for the next four years until ya can take over yer father’s oil refinery.

Getting Bugged:

Dear Señor Cactus:

What’s the best time to fumigate your place?

Davy M. 24, Boston U.

Dear Infested:

Señor Cactus, say, dis a perfect question for him as he have aphids crawling around in his prickly brain all da time! He like ta pour poison all over himself and listen to those little fuckers squeal. But you can’t do dat, mon’. Da best time is Christmas break. Da bugs try to escape and den freeze outside. Hell, if ya gotta house, shut off yer water so da pipes don’t freeze and all da bugs will die. Or, ya can eliminate all da food in yer house before ya go and they’ll starve.

What? Can’t Cactus give out some real advice for once?

Soy Un Perdedor:

Hey Señor Cactus:

I’m single and all my non-single friends keep tryin’ to hook me. Worse, it’s like they have no taste and send horrible guys to me like I would date any of these losers! Is it me or is it my friends’ impression of me?

Ali, U of C, 20

Dear Loser Magnet:

Cactus say, what are you? A prize? Get off your non-dating ass and get yer own boyfriend den! Your friends just feel sorry for ya and threw ya a man! No one put a gun to yer head and told ya ta fuck him! Maybe they’re good guys. But dat might be too much for a judgmental bitch like yerself.