Sr Cactus and Mistah Shit

translated by Mr. Shit

transcribed by Tony DiGerolamo

And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Virgin in Virginia:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I’m a virgin, but I don’t want to be. Unlike a lot of girls, I want my first time to be with someone I barely know. I figured it would be bad, so I’d rather it be with a stranger. Plus the idea is kind of dirty and it turns me on. What do you think?

Collette, 19, Manassas, VA

Dear Future Porn Star:

Cactus say, your letter give him a prickly boner. Have ya ever tried cross species pollination? Mistah Shit is practically a stranger! Keep me on da list! Or, if ya like, ya can do it like this girl did!

Death to the DMV:

Señor Cactus:

The people at the DMV drive me nuts! What the fuck’s their problem? Are they all fat losers that are just miserable?!

Darryl, 18, Atlanta, GA

Dear Not-getting-a-license-today:

Cactus say, laugh! “Drive you nuts”! That’s funny, mon’! Get it? But seriously, da DMV have a rigid screening process. Like da TSA in da airport or meter maids or people dat work for da government. First, ya must be able ta fog a mirror, den ya gots to enjoy ruinin’ someone’s day and third, you gotta be able ta piss off idiots! Mission accomplished!

Gaydar Down:

Hey, Señor Cactus:

There’s this really hot guy in my English class. He says he’s gay, but I’ve seen him hang out with girls. Plus, he doesn’t act gay. How can I be sure he’s not?

Jenni, 20, U of Del.

Dear Homo-Neurotic:

Cactus say, what sort of cryin’ game ya try ta pull? If he gay, he gay, mon’! What straight mon’ you know gonna lie about bein’ gay? Even if you da ugliest beast on da campus, any mon’ will bone ya if he get drunk enough! Besides, dem gay guys love da ladies! Who else dey gonna watch da HGTV wit? Here a simple test, if your mon’ had ta click on da link for HGTV to know what it stand for, he not gay.

Moneyless in Mantua:

O, Señor Cactus:

My roommate owes me $67 and he hasn’t paid. First he said he wanted to pay cash, then a check and now he’s back to cash. He’s ducking me everyday now and it’s totally retarded. I think he climbed out a bathroom window to avoid me. How do I resolve this?

Ben, 22, Stockton College in the NJ

Dear Moneyless:

Cactus say, ya missin’ da greatest opportunity ever! Ya may not get yer money back, but ya can get $67 worth of entertainment! First, recruit some of yer mutual friends for da prank. Have dem spread da word dat you’re really mad about da money. Next, have one of yer friends make it look like ya beat him pretty good. (Pretend like he owed him only $20 or sometin!) Ya can find places to do fake make up here.   Den, all ya gots ta do is interrupt him in da worst times! When he takin’ a shower or a shit! Watch him scramble through da window without his pants! When he makin’ out wit his girl! Watch him flee like a pussy! Videotape for bonus!