And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Sr Cactus and Mistah Shit

Swerving in Philly:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I drive better when I’m drunk. Would you ride with a drunk driver?

Kevin, 22, Philadelphia

Dear Future Roadside Memorial:

Ya can’t drive drunk, mon’! All dat swervin’ make ya throw up on yer passenger? Where else ya gonna do it? Yer glove compartment. Ya best ta be drivin’ a lawn mower.

But den again…

Dis all part of da chat in da message board mon’! Where ya been?

Wondering in LA:

Dear Señor Cactus:

My friend wants me to go see his terrible band. How do I gracefully get out of it without lying?

Danielle, 20, Los Angeles

Dear Dani-Don’t-Go:

Cactus say, when he get invited, he just go. He got no ears, so it don’t matter none how bad da band is. But it all depend on how bad ya don’t want ta go. Are ya willing ta smash yer hand wit a hammer no ta go? Or should ya just down a bottle of Ipecac?

Cactus say, learn ta lie. And if ya can’t, send us da link to da video for whatever ya do.

Zombie Fan in Florida:

Great Señor Cactus:

What’s the best way to fend off a zombie attack? Please be specific.

Roger, 19, Tampa, FL

Dear Roger of the Dead:

Cactus say, best way is ta remember if Grand Theft Auto has taught as anything, da car is da best weapon of dem all! Run dem zombies over, mon’! Ya won’t be complainin’ bout da price of gas fer yer SUV den!

Understanding Ex in Cali:

Señor Cactus:

My ex cheated on me with his maid and we broke up. After six months and dating a few other guys, I miss him. I’m thinking of taking him back, but I’m not sure it’s the wise thing to do. What do you advise?

Kelly, Marina Del Rey, CA

Dear “Wise” Woman:

Da maid? Cactus say, send dat woman dis way! Yer boy bangin’ da help he bang anyone. Dat just da tip of dat iceberg of bangin’! (Unless da maid look like da picture here.) Take him back? Cactus wouldn’t trust him ta go to da DMV by himself!