And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…

The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…

Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!

Sr Cactus and Mistah Shit

Looking for Love in Lambertville:

Yo, Señor Cactus:

Does love exist? I don’t think so.

Rhiley, 20, NJ

Dear Jersey Emo:

Cactus say, sure love exist! It just don’t exist for you yet mon’! And what kind o name is Rhiley? Last name? First? Are ya like Shakira now? Mebbe if ya weren’t so wrapped up in yerself, love would find ya. Until den, deres always weed!

Texas Cheat:

Señor Cactus:

I think my baby’s daddy is cheating on me. How can I test him?

Millie, 18, Texas

Dear Daddy Tester:

Cactus say, there is no way ta test an 18 year-old if he’s cheatin’. Because he is! At eighteen, boys get a boner in a stiff wind! Dey cheat wit da girls! Wit a porno, wit a dirty sock, da Internet, homemade vaginas— You could suck him off every two hours and he still masturbate when you not around! Buy him an industrial sized box of condoms and talk to him again at 25.

Have Stripper Will Travel:

Dear Señor Cactus:

I found a stripper’s card in the wallet of my boyfriend. Should I be worried?

Sandy, 23, Detroit

Dear Pick Pocket:

Cactus say, he tink ya should confront yer boyfriend, tell him ya went through his wallet so he can break up witchu! WTF? Mistah Shit has got da card of a good bong maker in his wallet. Don’t mean I want to fuck him or smoke his weed! (Wait a minute, I probably want to smoke his weed.)

Frustrated in Fremont:

Señor Cactus:

My girlfriend wants to have a threesome with another woman. This came out of the blue. How should I take this?

Donald, 19, Fremont, CA

Three is a Magic Number:

Cactus say, wife on da face and new girl on your dick. If yer lucky, ya can watch dem make out above ya at da same time!

Sticky Problem in Pottstown:

Señor Cactus:

How do you get rid of gum in your hair?

Demi, 32, Pottstown, PA

Dear Hubba Bubba Hair:

Cactus say, shave your pubes. Problem solved!

Green in Greensboro:

Dear Señor Cactus:

What did you do for Earth Day?

Marcus, 22, Greensboro, NC

Dear Hippie :

Cactus say, he turn up air condition, spray some hair spray and wasted some Styrofoam. He like da desert! You mammals are screw mon! Heh-heh. Uh, hey wait…