If your birthday is this week: Your Wal-Mart themed birthday party is depressing, but incredibly cost-effective.
Aries: The stars say, keep your racist grandmother away from P.A. systems this week.
Taurus: Your Crackerjack prize will be a solid gold ring on a severed finger, only one of which you will report to the authorities.
Gemini: A group of Vikings will loot your front lawn and take off with your bird bath.
Lemini: Your baked Ziti will cause your fiance to leave you.
Cancer: This week, watch out for co-workers’ suggestions because punching your boss in the nuts is funny, but ultimately bad for your career.
Leo: Your girlfriend will dump you at the ice cream parlor, saving you a trip.
Virgo: Oprah will stop by to use your bathroom. She doesn’t flush.
Libra: Your lawyer will advise you to plead guilty, but only because she actually committed the crime.
Scorpio: Your pool party ends as it always does, with your pool cleaner running out of that stuff that gets semen out of your filter.
Sagittarius: Your album will drop on Wednesday, right into a trashcan.
Capricorn: You will discover that you are the “Before” in a commercial for handsome cream.
Aquarius: The Ghost of Horoscope past will show you a much more accurate horoscope from almost three years ago.
Pisces: You watch A Game of Thrones and it will be awesome again.